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The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over (1)
From a former FBI Special Agent specializing in behavior analysis and recruiting spies comes a handbook filled with his proven strategies on how to instantly read people and influence how they perceive you, so you can easily turn on the like switch.
The Like Switch is packed with all the tools you need for turning strangers into friends, whether you are on a sales call, a first date, or a job interview. As a Special Agent for the FBI’s National Security Division’s Behavioral Analysis Program, Dr. Jack Schafer developed dynamic and breakthrough strategies for profiling terrorists and detecting deception. Now, Dr. Schafer has evolved his proven-on-the-battlefield tactics for the day-to-day, but no less critical battle of getting people to like you.
In The Like Switch, he presents these techniques for how you can influence, attract, and win people over. Learn how to think and react like your favorite TV investigators from Criminal Minds or CSI as Dr. Schafer shows you how to improve your LQ (Likeability Quotient), “spot the lie” both in person and online, master nonverbal cues that influence how people perceive you, and turn up or turn down the intensity of a relationship.
Dr. Schafer cracks the code on making great first impressions, building lasting relationships, and understanding others’ behavior to learn what they really think about you. With tips and techniques that hold the key to taking control of your communications, interactions, and relationships, The Like Switch shows you how to read others and get people to like you for a moment or a lifetime.
The Like Switch is packed with all the tools you need for turning strangers into friends, whether you are on a sales call, a first date, or a job interview. As a Special Agent for the FBI’s National Security Division’s Behavioral Analysis Program, Dr. Jack Schafer developed dynamic and breakthrough strategies for profiling terrorists and detecting deception. Now, Dr. Schafer has evolved his proven-on-the-battlefield tactics for the day-to-day, but no less critical battle of getting people to like you.
In The Like Switch, he presents these techniques for how you can influence, attract, and win people over. Learn how to think and react like your favorite TV investigators from Criminal Minds or CSI as Dr. Schafer shows you how to improve your LQ (Likeability Quotient), “spot the lie” both in person and online, master nonverbal cues that influence how people perceive you, and turn up or turn down the intensity of a relationship.
Dr. Schafer cracks the code on making great first impressions, building lasting relationships, and understanding others’ behavior to learn what they really think about you. With tips and techniques that hold the key to taking control of your communications, interactions, and relationships, The Like Switch shows you how to read others and get people to like you for a moment or a lifetime.
288 pages, Paperback
First published January 13, 2015
About the author
Jack Schafer
7books56followersJohn R. “Jack” Schafer, PhD, is a psychologist, professor, intelligence consultant, and former FBI Special Agent. Dr. Schafer spent fifteen years conducting counter-intelligence and counterterrorism investigations, and seven years as a behavioral analyst for the FBI’s National Security Division’s Behavioral Analysis Program. He developed spy recruitment techniques, interviewed terrorists, and trained agents in the art of interrogation and persuasion. Dr. Schafer contributes online pieces for Psychology Today Magazine, has authored/coauthored six books, and has published numerous articles in professional and popular journals. He is a professor with the School of Law Enforcement and Criminal Justice at Western Illinois University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 495 reviews
January 14, 2015
More like 4.5 stars...
This book ended up being more enjoyable and interesting than I initially expected. When I first considered reading it I thought... "Hmmm...non-fiction. Well this will take me awhile." I ended up reading the entire book in a few weeks, which never happens with non-fiction books. But the subject interested me, so I tried it out. I am glad I did because it gave me some insight and made me more aware of non-verbal cues that I may be giving people when I am listening to them. I learned a lot of this body language info in counseling classes back in the 80s, but it was a nice refresher. It would be a great resource for people who have difficulty reading non-verbal cues, like someone with Asperger's Disorder.
The way the book is described it gives the impression that it's more of a how to book in order to get what you want from people, but it's really more of a, "Why won't this person talk to me?" Or, "Why do I have trouble making and/or keeping friends?" type of book. Yes, there are some parts that go into interviewing techniques, but anyone who has done an investigation or conducted hiring interviews might find these portions helpful as well. There are also many techniques shown that you can use to talk with someone about a controversial subject and still get heard.
I loved how the authors included pictures to explain some things like body language and what to look for. There are suggestions on what do do when dealing with anger and how to assess where to go in a heated conversation. There are even some sections that talk about verbal communication and non-verbal communication between couples, and about how to get your spouse to talk to you about a difficult subject so it's a win-win situation. There are references and resources at the end of the book so you can delve further into this subject matter if you want to. Overall, I found it to be a very helpful book.
This book ended up being more enjoyable and interesting than I initially expected. When I first considered reading it I thought... "Hmmm...non-fiction. Well this will take me awhile." I ended up reading the entire book in a few weeks, which never happens with non-fiction books. But the subject interested me, so I tried it out. I am glad I did because it gave me some insight and made me more aware of non-verbal cues that I may be giving people when I am listening to them. I learned a lot of this body language info in counseling classes back in the 80s, but it was a nice refresher. It would be a great resource for people who have difficulty reading non-verbal cues, like someone with Asperger's Disorder.
The way the book is described it gives the impression that it's more of a how to book in order to get what you want from people, but it's really more of a, "Why won't this person talk to me?" Or, "Why do I have trouble making and/or keeping friends?" type of book. Yes, there are some parts that go into interviewing techniques, but anyone who has done an investigation or conducted hiring interviews might find these portions helpful as well. There are also many techniques shown that you can use to talk with someone about a controversial subject and still get heard.
I loved how the authors included pictures to explain some things like body language and what to look for. There are suggestions on what do do when dealing with anger and how to assess where to go in a heated conversation. There are even some sections that talk about verbal communication and non-verbal communication between couples, and about how to get your spouse to talk to you about a difficult subject so it's a win-win situation. There are references and resources at the end of the book so you can delve further into this subject matter if you want to. Overall, I found it to be a very helpful book.
October 30, 2017
A PUA book in disguise, only read if you are socially awkward or on the spectrum. Many things this book state are pretty obvious, and will only make you more self-conscious about meeting people and making acquaintances. Meeting people is about trying to have fun, not calculating every move you make just to make others like you - thats the psychopath in you talking. People will like you if you genuinely like them.
Also the last chapter on emails and online security is so irrelevant to the book that I don't know why it was added, but perhaps it can be a good guide to the social media and emails for old folks who have no idea what it is.
Also the last chapter on emails and online security is so irrelevant to the book that I don't know why it was added, but perhaps it can be a good guide to the social media and emails for old folks who have no idea what it is.
February 20, 2016
This audiobook is MUCH more interesting than one might think at first glance... the author, an FBI field agent, describes how to use and interpret verbal cues and body language for more effective communication. From start to finish, a great listen. I found so many wonderful tips that I've already begun applying in my business and personal communication. Highly recommended.
May 30, 2017
& 1/2 starsIf you want people to like you, make them feel good about themselves
I really enjoyed the real world examples from Dr. Schafer's time with the FBI.They were interesting, and I liked trying to spot the ways he put his own advice into action.
Learning more about body language.Since I listened to this on Audible, I got the accompanying PDF, and I'm always down for reading that feels like a game. This was one of those books that gives you things to spot and situations to analyze. And it's always fun putting human behaviour tips into real world situations - in a bar, at a dinner, at sports functions - just watching people interact, armed with a whole new insight.
The last chapter, about the German prince and the lady.Interesting stuff.
His fresh take on empathic statements.We all know how to mirror back what someone is saying, to show we are listening, but I felt like The Like Switch offered ways to make empathic statements not sound so cheesy and obvious. Speaking of - I liked that Dr Schafer pointed out that while we might feel the use of these techniquesisobvious, they really don't have to be noticeable to be effective. Having used them a few times lately, he's so right. It feels obvious and manipulative when you're doing it, and then you see a good result and thinkholy shit, I can't believe that worked.
The chapter about why you shouldn't engage with angry people.That one, I really liked.
I felt like this book was confused about it's target audience.A lot of the early chapters were likePeople 101.Most of us, who have spent any amount of time around people, know not to be too handsy with strangers because it's creepy, and don't cross your arms when you're talking because you look defensive or angry, and make reasonable eye contact without staring because staring is super weird, and angle your body towards someone if you're trying to build rapport. Those things just come from being a reasonably functional human being, I think. I felt like the kind of person who would buy a book like this already understands the basics, so there were a few wasted chapters there.
Likewise at the end, there was a chapter about safe internet use, which I felt wasn't relevant for anyone under the age of 65. It would have been nice to have some more real life examples from Dr Schafer's life to see the Like Switch system play out.
A good read with some useful techniques and I learned a lot. Case in point:
January 24, 2015
I had so much fun reading this book. Which may be surprising that I am saying this. Because when you think of self-help books, you don't always think "fun". Yet, this book really did won me over. Right from the start it took my a long time to get through the first chapter. The reason is because I kept putting the book down to run to my co-workers to show they a paragraph a had just read and wanted them to read. I learned so much from this book.
To be honest I had picked up this book because I thought it would be interesting reading material to learn from an ex-FBI agent. Yet, again as I said prior that I learned a lot from this book than just reading it. Very practical skills that everyone needs to navigate through today's world. Especially in the technological world that we reside in. We have gotten away from face to face encounters and therefore no one knows how to effectively communicate with one another. It is so sad. Therefore if people knew the signals that they came to others then they could communicate even without words. You have to check this book out.
To be honest I had picked up this book because I thought it would be interesting reading material to learn from an ex-FBI agent. Yet, again as I said prior that I learned a lot from this book than just reading it. Very practical skills that everyone needs to navigate through today's world. Especially in the technological world that we reside in. We have gotten away from face to face encounters and therefore no one knows how to effectively communicate with one another. It is so sad. Therefore if people knew the signals that they came to others then they could communicate even without words. You have to check this book out.
Read
August 5, 2020A re-read. A very practical, interesting book.
March 17, 2017
Listen when people talk. Smile. That's pretty much the gist of the advice you'll find in this book.
June 19, 2020
(The English review is placed beneath Russian one)
Подобные книги всегда тяжело оценивать тем, кто многократно читал подобный материал во множестве других книгах на эту же тему, т.к. по сути, все они крайне редко пишут о чём-то радикально новом. Поэтому для новичка, не читавшего ничего про невербальное общение (язык тела) и прочее в том же духе, книга покажется довольно интересной, а вот для человека у которого количество non-fiction переваливает за 500 шт., книга будет навевать скуку во второй её части (я бы порекомендовал бы книгу «Невербальное общение» Марк Нэпп и Джудит Холл, как замена всем остальным на эту тему, т.к. она более научна). Однако в книге есть и новый материал, ради которого и можно приобрести книгу.
Лично я бы разделил книгу на две части (хотя, по-моему, автор добавил вторую часть только ради объёма). В первой и самой интересной и важной части, автор предлагает свою собственную теорию о том, как понравится людям. Для этого он вводит формулу «Дружба = Близость (в смысле дистанция) + Частота + Продолжительность + Интенсивность». Плюс примеры, т.е. как на практике это всё должно выглядеть. Автор их приводит из своей собственной жизни агента ФБР (напоминает книгу «Переговоры без компромиссов. Веди переговоры так, словно от них зависит твоя жизнь», где автор так же бывший агент ФБР и тоже делится с читателями примерами из собственной практики).
Далее автор пишет, что постепенность и невербальные сигналы, являются главным источником, по которым человек судит о том, видит ли он врага или друга. Как пишет автор, важнейшей частью завязывания дружеских отношений является переход из позиции «незнакомец», которую занимает каждый человек изначально, в разряд «друг». Однако одна небольшая оплошность способна перевести человека из разряда «незнакомец» в разряд «недоброжелатель, враг» и тогда человек как бы закрывается, поднимает щит. Именно поэтому автор предлагает медленно подходить к знакомству, к примеру, встречаясь только в одном месте, не фокусируясь специально на цели, при условии, что цель замечает вас (каждый определённый день приходить в бар, делать заказ и просто выпивать его, без встречи глазами с объектом и лишь когда наше появление в баре становится обычным делом, автор рекомендует делать следующий шаг (встреча лазами), и далее следующий (первый разговор) и так постепенно сдвигаться с позиции «незнакомец» на позицию «друг»).
Вторая часть книги, это по существу всё то же самое, что можно прочесть во множестве остальных книгах на эту же тему. Более того, автор строит свою книгу из небольших советов как то: закрытые/открытые позы (язык тела); агрессия (мы глухи к голосу разума, логики в этом состоянии); важность точно подобранных слов; ловушка нашей природной любознательности (как её ��спользовать совместно с вышеописанной формулой); умение слушать (активное слушание собеседника); эмпатия (это ещё одна большая тема книги, но уже из разряда вербальных сигналов); прикосновения и так далее.
По существу, во второй половине книги автор будет часто повторяться и не предложит ничего нового (человеку должно быть комфортно с вами и для этого есть множество различных способов, о которых и пишет автор).
В заключении скажу, что там, где автор затрагивает, условно говоря, вербальные сигналы, мы сталкиваемся с тем, что видим, как он это делает, его успешные примеры и его стиль общения, но можем ли мы инкорпорировать это в наш стиль? А если человек интроверт, то тогда что? Ведь, по сути, примеры, которые он предлагает, это примеры яркого экстраверта.
Such books are hard to assess by those who have read similar material many times in many other books on the same subject because they all very rarely write about something radically new. So for a beginner who hasn't read anything about non-verbal communication (body language), the book will seem quite informative but, for a person who has read approximately 500 non-fiction books, this book will be dull in its second part (I would recommend the book "Non-verbal communication" by Mark Napp and Judith Hall as a substitute for all other books on the same topic, as it is more scientific). However, there is also new material in the book.
I would divide the book into two parts (although I think the author has added the second part just for the sake of volume). In the first and most interesting and important part, the author offers his theory on how to be liked by people. To do this, he introduces the formula "Friendship = Proximity (in the sense of distance) + Frequency + Duration + Intensity". Plus examples, i.e., how it should look like in practice. The author gives them from his own life as an FBI agent (reminiscent of the book "Negotiations Without Compromises. Negotiate as if your life depends on it", where the author is also a former FBI agent and shares with readers examples from his practice).
The author goes on to write that gradualness and non-verbal signals are the primary source by which a person judges whether he sees a foe or a friend. As the author writes, an essential part of making friendships is the transition from the position of a "stranger," which each person takes initially, to the category of "friend. However, one small mistake can move a person from the status of" the stranger "to the status of" the foe, "and then the person as if closes, raises the shield. That is why the author proposes to approach the process of acquaintance slowly. For example, meeting only in one place, not focusing specifically on the target, provided that the subject notices you (every particular day to come to the bar, make an order without meeting eyes with the person you want to be attracted, and only after our appearance in the bar becomes commonplace, the author recommends taking the next step - to meet with the subject's eyes and then, the next step (first conversation) and so gradually move from a" stranger "to a" friend ").
The second part of the book is essentially the same as in many other books on the same subject. Moreover, the author bases his book on small advice such as closed/open postures (body language); aggression (we are deaf to the voice of the mind/logic in this state); the importance of precisely chosen words; the trap of our natural curiosity (how to use it together with the formula described above); the ability to listen (active listening to the interlocutor); empathy (this is another big topic in the book but from the category of verbal signals); and so on.
In essence, in the second half of the book, the author will often repeat himself and will not offer anything new (a person should be comfortable with you, and for this, there are many different ways, which the author writes about).
In conclusion, when the author touches upon, conventionally speaking, the subject of verbal signals, we come across how he does it, his success stories, and his communication style. But can we incorporate this into our communication style? And if the person is introverted, then what? Because the examples he offers are examples of a vivid extrovert.
Подобные книги всегда тяжело оценивать тем, кто многократно читал подобный материал во множестве других книгах на эту же тему, т.к. по сути, все они крайне редко пишут о чём-то радикально новом. Поэтому для новичка, не читавшего ничего про невербальное общение (язык тела) и прочее в том же духе, книга покажется довольно интересной, а вот для человека у которого количество non-fiction переваливает за 500 шт., книга будет навевать скуку во второй её части (я бы порекомендовал бы книгу «Невербальное общение» Марк Нэпп и Джудит Холл, как замена всем остальным на эту тему, т.к. она более научна). Однако в книге есть и новый материал, ради которого и можно приобрести книгу.
Лично я бы разделил книгу на две части (хотя, по-моему, автор добавил вторую часть только ради объёма). В первой и самой интересной и важной части, автор предлагает свою собственную теорию о том, как понравится людям. Для этого он вводит формулу «Дружба = Близость (в смысле дистанция) + Частота + Продолжительность + Интенсивность». Плюс примеры, т.е. как на практике это всё должно выглядеть. Автор их приводит из своей собственной жизни агента ФБР (напоминает книгу «Переговоры без компромиссов. Веди переговоры так, словно от них зависит твоя жизнь», где автор так же бывший агент ФБР и тоже делится с читателями примерами из собственной практики).
Далее автор пишет, что постепенность и невербальные сигналы, являются главным источником, по которым человек судит о том, видит ли он врага или друга. Как пишет автор, важнейшей частью завязывания дружеских отношений является переход из позиции «незнакомец», которую занимает каждый человек изначально, в разряд «друг». Однако одна небольшая оплошность способна перевести человека из разряда «незнакомец» в разряд «недоброжелатель, враг» и тогда человек как бы закрывается, поднимает щит. Именно поэтому автор предлагает медленно подходить к знакомству, к примеру, встречаясь только в одном месте, не фокусируясь специально на цели, при условии, что цель замечает вас (каждый определённый день приходить в бар, делать заказ и просто выпивать его, без встречи глазами с объектом и лишь когда наше появление в баре становится обычным делом, автор рекомендует делать следующий шаг (встреча лазами), и далее следующий (первый разговор) и так постепенно сдвигаться с позиции «незнакомец» на позицию «друг»).
Вторая часть книги, это по существу всё то же самое, что можно прочесть во множестве остальных книгах на эту же тему. Более того, автор строит свою книгу из небольших советов как то: закрытые/открытые позы (язык тела); агрессия (мы глухи к голосу разума, логики в этом состоянии); важность точно подобранных слов; ловушка нашей природной любознательности (как её ��спользовать совместно с вышеописанной формулой); умение слушать (активное слушание собеседника); эмпатия (это ещё одна большая тема книги, но уже из разряда вербальных сигналов); прикосновения и так далее.
По существу, во второй половине книги автор будет часто повторяться и не предложит ничего нового (человеку должно быть комфортно с вами и для этого есть множество различных способов, о которых и пишет автор).
В заключении скажу, что там, где автор затрагивает, условно говоря, вербальные сигналы, мы сталкиваемся с тем, что видим, как он это делает, его успешные примеры и его стиль общения, но можем ли мы инкорпорировать это в наш стиль? А если человек интроверт, то тогда что? Ведь, по сути, примеры, которые он предлагает, это примеры яркого экстраверта.
Such books are hard to assess by those who have read similar material many times in many other books on the same subject because they all very rarely write about something radically new. So for a beginner who hasn't read anything about non-verbal communication (body language), the book will seem quite informative but, for a person who has read approximately 500 non-fiction books, this book will be dull in its second part (I would recommend the book "Non-verbal communication" by Mark Napp and Judith Hall as a substitute for all other books on the same topic, as it is more scientific). However, there is also new material in the book.
I would divide the book into two parts (although I think the author has added the second part just for the sake of volume). In the first and most interesting and important part, the author offers his theory on how to be liked by people. To do this, he introduces the formula "Friendship = Proximity (in the sense of distance) + Frequency + Duration + Intensity". Plus examples, i.e., how it should look like in practice. The author gives them from his own life as an FBI agent (reminiscent of the book "Negotiations Without Compromises. Negotiate as if your life depends on it", where the author is also a former FBI agent and shares with readers examples from his practice).
The author goes on to write that gradualness and non-verbal signals are the primary source by which a person judges whether he sees a foe or a friend. As the author writes, an essential part of making friendships is the transition from the position of a "stranger," which each person takes initially, to the category of "friend. However, one small mistake can move a person from the status of" the stranger "to the status of" the foe, "and then the person as if closes, raises the shield. That is why the author proposes to approach the process of acquaintance slowly. For example, meeting only in one place, not focusing specifically on the target, provided that the subject notices you (every particular day to come to the bar, make an order without meeting eyes with the person you want to be attracted, and only after our appearance in the bar becomes commonplace, the author recommends taking the next step - to meet with the subject's eyes and then, the next step (first conversation) and so gradually move from a" stranger "to a" friend ").
The second part of the book is essentially the same as in many other books on the same subject. Moreover, the author bases his book on small advice such as closed/open postures (body language); aggression (we are deaf to the voice of the mind/logic in this state); the importance of precisely chosen words; the trap of our natural curiosity (how to use it together with the formula described above); the ability to listen (active listening to the interlocutor); empathy (this is another big topic in the book but from the category of verbal signals); and so on.
In essence, in the second half of the book, the author will often repeat himself and will not offer anything new (a person should be comfortable with you, and for this, there are many different ways, which the author writes about).
In conclusion, when the author touches upon, conventionally speaking, the subject of verbal signals, we come across how he does it, his success stories, and his communication style. But can we incorporate this into our communication style? And if the person is introverted, then what? Because the examples he offers are examples of a vivid extrovert.
March 4, 2015
A great book for writers, actors and any others who want to observe and note human behavior in their creations, especially non-verbal behaviors. It's amazing how little most of us think about how we are being perceived by others, and by changing a few of our non-verbal behaviors here or there, we can make friends and influence our boss for the better.
Former FBI Agent Jack Schafer worked in behavioral analysis and honed his skills in reading both non-verbal and verbal behaviors in a wide variety of individuals. So, when he gives down-to-earth advice, you can feel confident that it’s been field-tested and found true. And the sheer simplicity of effective human communications is astounding. The secret of how to make friends isn’t particularly complicated. Schafer notes it’s a simple formula: Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity. Couple that equation with understanding the basics of non-verbal communication—make appropriate eye contact, tilt your head, keep an open posture, give a genuine smile—and you’ll be making and keeping friends before you know it. By employing “The Golden Rule of Friendship” and practicing empathetic statements and mirroring body language, you will seem like a mind-reader to your co-workers and family members, and they will open up and feel honored to return the favor.
With tips for effective electronic communications and how to maintain long-term relationships as well, The Like Switch is probably the only reference on the topic of human interactions you’ll ever need.
Former FBI Agent Jack Schafer worked in behavioral analysis and honed his skills in reading both non-verbal and verbal behaviors in a wide variety of individuals. So, when he gives down-to-earth advice, you can feel confident that it’s been field-tested and found true. And the sheer simplicity of effective human communications is astounding. The secret of how to make friends isn’t particularly complicated. Schafer notes it’s a simple formula: Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity. Couple that equation with understanding the basics of non-verbal communication—make appropriate eye contact, tilt your head, keep an open posture, give a genuine smile—and you’ll be making and keeping friends before you know it. By employing “The Golden Rule of Friendship” and practicing empathetic statements and mirroring body language, you will seem like a mind-reader to your co-workers and family members, and they will open up and feel honored to return the favor.
With tips for effective electronic communications and how to maintain long-term relationships as well, The Like Switch is probably the only reference on the topic of human interactions you’ll ever need.
August 18, 2017
4 stars -- really liked it.
After finishing the book I thought the introduction and the epilogue were the most and only interesting parts of the book. Now 3 months later I start making sense of some other things too.
The book provides an answer on the question: how do you get people to like you, i.e., to find you an agreeable person? Jack Schafer, as an ex-FBI agent, developed this skill during his career to turn foreign ambassadors into American spies and to make child abusers confess their crimes on their own. May seem like a very manipulative skill, but on the other side Jack said in an interview that at his current point of life he just genuinely wants to make people feel good about themselves.
Making people feel good about themselves is presented as the golden rule. If you manage to make them feel good about themselves, they will enjoy being around you and they will like you. Jack also introduces his friendship equation, which states that friendship is built upon 4 parameters: the proximity of two people, how often they interact, how long they interact, and how deeply they interact.
The book explores some other topics such as nonverbal signals that can get you noticed without saying a word, or the importance of expressing empathetic statements in building rapport (sentences starting with "so you..." ).
Will read this one again.
After finishing the book I thought the introduction and the epilogue were the most and only interesting parts of the book. Now 3 months later I start making sense of some other things too.
The book provides an answer on the question: how do you get people to like you, i.e., to find you an agreeable person? Jack Schafer, as an ex-FBI agent, developed this skill during his career to turn foreign ambassadors into American spies and to make child abusers confess their crimes on their own. May seem like a very manipulative skill, but on the other side Jack said in an interview that at his current point of life he just genuinely wants to make people feel good about themselves.
Making people feel good about themselves is presented as the golden rule. If you manage to make them feel good about themselves, they will enjoy being around you and they will like you. Jack also introduces his friendship equation, which states that friendship is built upon 4 parameters: the proximity of two people, how often they interact, how long they interact, and how deeply they interact.
The book explores some other topics such as nonverbal signals that can get you noticed without saying a word, or the importance of expressing empathetic statements in building rapport (sentences starting with "so you..." ).
Will read this one again.
June 9, 2016
Excellent book. Examples from Schafer's years at the FBI make the book particularly interesting. The book gives you the basics of what you might find in the Dale Carnegie's classic book "How To Win Friends and Influence People" but with more specific suggestions and theory behind the principals covered. You can sum up both the Carnegie and Schafter's books main principal as "the secret to connecting with with people is to show interest in them", however, The Like Switch gives more hard facts and concepts to back up this general idea. The Like Switch also explains how to read people's non-verbal clues to determine if you are being received well by your new acquaintance.
December 29, 2019
Some interesting points but told in a tedious manner.
September 9, 2016
Going through the notes that I have tried to write down from this book, I noticed that even those are there to remind me how excruciating this read could possibly be.
In short this book goes through various social behaviours from a perspective of one not meeting another human being before. How to tell if someone that you are having a conversation with is interested in that talk or not, accompanied by a picture of how that person does not make eye contact for a long period of time would be an example of how the first part of the book goes on and on. In chapter five entitled "Speaking the language of friendship", we have the following: "Giving a person the opportunity to talk, listening to what they say without interruption, [...] can make a huge difference, whether it be in gaining a patient’s trust or a person’s friendship." Now, you could read that again and ask yourself, what are the chances of someone reading an actual book and being unaware of such thing?
Second part of the book is getting even worse to the point that you are informed that nothing on Internet is safe or you end up receiving advice of how to be careful with what you are posting because it could remain in the virtual environment forever, and to be honest by this point I think the book might address a different age category than mine altogether.
If you are really young of age, or on the contrary, just retiring and enjoy reading, then by all means please do give this book a chance, otherwise I would strongly recommend against it.
In short this book goes through various social behaviours from a perspective of one not meeting another human being before. How to tell if someone that you are having a conversation with is interested in that talk or not, accompanied by a picture of how that person does not make eye contact for a long period of time would be an example of how the first part of the book goes on and on. In chapter five entitled "Speaking the language of friendship", we have the following: "Giving a person the opportunity to talk, listening to what they say without interruption, [...] can make a huge difference, whether it be in gaining a patient’s trust or a person’s friendship." Now, you could read that again and ask yourself, what are the chances of someone reading an actual book and being unaware of such thing?
Second part of the book is getting even worse to the point that you are informed that nothing on Internet is safe or you end up receiving advice of how to be careful with what you are posting because it could remain in the virtual environment forever, and to be honest by this point I think the book might address a different age category than mine altogether.
If you are really young of age, or on the contrary, just retiring and enjoy reading, then by all means please do give this book a chance, otherwise I would strongly recommend against it.
January 23, 2015
Excellent! Well Worth Your Time!
Excellent book! Very informative. Although I knew some of the information presented, most of it was new to me.
The author wrote in an easy-to-understand style. (This is not written like a textbook.) Dr. Schaefer has a way with words, occasionally peppering The Like Switch with a great phrase. I like that!
A lot of information was presented. (I will definitely reread this book.) However, the information was revisited/reinforced throughout the book. (The author's teaching background shows here.) At times this was a bit frustrating as I wanted to keep going. However, I do/did realize the importance of reinforcement. (I want to remember this stuff!) I just got a little impatient.
If I were to give this book a numerical grade, I'd give it a 97-98. Awesome!
Excellent book! Very informative. Although I knew some of the information presented, most of it was new to me.
The author wrote in an easy-to-understand style. (This is not written like a textbook.) Dr. Schaefer has a way with words, occasionally peppering The Like Switch with a great phrase. I like that!
A lot of information was presented. (I will definitely reread this book.) However, the information was revisited/reinforced throughout the book. (The author's teaching background shows here.) At times this was a bit frustrating as I wanted to keep going. However, I do/did realize the importance of reinforcement. (I want to remember this stuff!) I just got a little impatient.
If I were to give this book a numerical grade, I'd give it a 97-98. Awesome!
January 16, 2020
DNF. There’s very little in this book that you don’t already know: want to appear friendly? Watch your body language, smile. Want people to like you? Be a friend, not a foe.
My advice: want people to like you? Read a different book.
My advice: want people to like you? Read a different book.
February 9, 2015
I am always intrigued by books with authors who have real world experience as experts in their field, and I found the subject matter intriguing, so I decided to give this book a try. I'm so glad that I did! The writing style is extremely easy to read and interesting, so I was able to get through it rather quickly. I also really enjoyed the use of pictures to accompany the points in the book. I felt that it helped to clarify some key points, and also left me with an image in my head to connect with the idea, making it easier to remember.
The author gives many useful suggestions for interpersonal scenarios that we all face--speaking to a spouse, making friends, giving a good first impression, etc. I also appreciated the resources listed at the back of the book.
Overall, many helpful tips that I will remember and use in the future.
The author gives many useful suggestions for interpersonal scenarios that we all face--speaking to a spouse, making friends, giving a good first impression, etc. I also appreciated the resources listed at the back of the book.
Overall, many helpful tips that I will remember and use in the future.
April 2, 2015
Written by a former FBI Behavior Analyst (or something like that), this book contains some very interesting spy stories and techniques for winning trust or uncovering cyber lying. Less interesting were the bits on reading body language ( "duh!" in places), but I see how it could be useful for many men to read or for those on the autism spectrum who struggle with interpreting facial expressions and other communication subtleties.
The author's Golden rule for making people like you is the rather cynical "make them feel good about themselves," which makes it sound like we're all aspiring to be suck-ups, but it's entirely true that we like to be around encouraging, empathic folks who show interest in us. Kind of pathetic and open to manipulation, but there it is.
The author's Golden rule for making people like you is the rather cynical "make them feel good about themselves," which makes it sound like we're all aspiring to be suck-ups, but it's entirely true that we like to be around encouraging, empathic folks who show interest in us. Kind of pathetic and open to manipulation, but there it is.
June 14, 2015
This book provides a lot of key concepts from different topics: reading body language, listening and communicating, making friends, and dealing with difficult people. It also provides plenty of examples of what to look for in trying to read someone's body language, how to approach the situation, and what to say. Even if you're familiar with some of the topics like reading body language (knowing when someone is receptive or opposed to what you're saying), there is still useful information on how to handle the situation, like what to say to someone who is already formulating an argument against your ideas.
May 26, 2018
This book is written by a former CIA special agent specializing in human interaction. He goes through the nonverbal and verbal clues humans use to turn on the Like switch. I listened to the audio version of this and really liked it. The research and data was fascinating. He gives you lots of proven points to master to get people to like you…even enemies. Loved it.
Read
November 26, 2020Interesting. Some of the unconscious communication cues and ways you can use them consciously. The head tilt, the eyebrow flash, and more....verbal strategies too, not just for getting out of trouble with your wife.
December 5, 2019
Before reading it, I supposed it was another book full of obvious ideas.
Instead, it was a very pleasant reading and it made me discover several interesting strategies and concepts I hadn't heard about before. Definitely worth reading it.
Instead, it was a very pleasant reading and it made me discover several interesting strategies and concepts I hadn't heard about before. Definitely worth reading it.
December 1, 2022
Fairly average advice on the subject matter.
Reading it playing out in the FBI world was interesting though.
Reading it playing out in the FBI world was interesting though.
June 26, 2018
Written by a former FBI behavior analyst, this book presents tips on how to build rapport -- be it with a co-worker, a love interest, or the subject of an interrogation. There’s not a lot of material in this book that’s surprising or unexpected, but the stories of counter-intelligence operations and criminal investigations make for greater intrigue than the typical book of this nature. (Though the most common type of story in it may be the tale of “how I got a free upgrade from an airline employee,” and that’s probably not that different from what one would read in a similar book by a corporate trainer with a more mundane resume.)
One aspect of this book that did seem unique was how much discussion is given to laying the groundwork of a friendship. Schafer emphasizes the need for patience, and he uses an example of cultivating a spy that involved a Special Agent placing himself in proximity to a target day after day before he ever exchanged so much as eye contact, let alone speaking. Interestingly, the epilogue shares a similar story from a historical memoir that shows both how effective these tactics are and how long they’ve been around. I wouldn’t be surprised if a civilian expert on these issues would say, “that’s fine if you need an ultra-light hand to cultivate a spy, but the same tactics may be a little too glacial for finding a mate or building a customer base. Personally, I don’t know how well Schafer’s approach translates to the work-a-day world, but I can imagine that if one parked oneself along a potential love interest’s route for week after week they might form the opinion one is either spineless or a stalker long before one got a chance to share eye contact.
The book consists of eight chapters, plus some front and back matter. The first chapter, entitled “The Friendship Formula,” sets out some banal concepts about the need to put oneself in proximity with one’s “target,” and then to build the frequency, duration, and intensity of said proximity events. However, it goes on to introduce some of the fundamentals that are elaborated upon later.
Chapter two focuses on pre-conversational activities. This largely involves non-verbal facial expressions and body language, but it also gets into issues such as appearance. Chapter three is about a central concept that Schafer calls “the golden rule of friendship,” which is basically the idea that people like individuals who make them feel good about themselves. Of course, people may distrust flatterers, and so the direct approach may not always be the best approach. The chapter therefore addresses pitfalls as well as sound tactics.
Chapter four is about what the author calls “the laws of attraction,” which are a series of ideas used to get the subject to look at one in a favorable light while avoiding the pitfalls of being too ham-handed. These are just ways to seem more appealing, often by capitalizing on (or making clear) existing causes for the individual to like one. But sometimes they involve deck-stacking activities such as in the case of “the law of misattribution.” In misattribution one shows up when an individual has been exercising so that maybe he or she will mistake the exercise-induced endorphin high for positive feelings towards one. There is a mix of ethical and exploitative approaches, and some ideas that might be of benefit for gaining a temporary upper-hand with someone one doesn’t have any long-term concern about might not be wise to employ with someone with which one might want a long-term relationship.
Chapter five is where one gets around to talking to the target of one’s desired rapport. As with the preceding chapters, this is as much about what not to say as it is what to say, but the single biggest point is to do more listening than talking. That is, give the target plenty of opportunity to talk about his- or herself and be cognizant of what they are saying, rather than preparing one’s own words. This is easier said than done given all that one must keep in mind, and the non-verbal cues one is watching for, etc.
Chapter six returns to non-verbal communication territory, and emphasizes testing one’s efforts to build rapport while simultaneously noticing the signs of whether it’s going well or not. This allows one to adjust one’s strategy (or to know it’s time to give up.)
Chapters seven and eight include material that one won’t necessarily see in competing books. Chapter seven is about maintaining the relationship that one has established. A lot of this chapter is about conversational strategies for defusing tense situations, lessening the friction in the relationship, and getting what one wants without building animosity. The last chapter takes one into really different territory by discussing on-line relationships and the building thereof. In large part, this chapter is a cautionary tale of the risks of entering a relationship given the lack of all the non-verbal cues. There are several cases of how individuals managed to portray themselves as something they weren’t.
I found this book interesting and beneficial. Its strengths include a tight focus; it doesn’t blast one with information by fire-hose, but rather offers a few simple ideas to focus on and hammers them home. The organization was logical, basically building up over the course of a relationship / interaction from being in proximity to making eye contact to conversing to weathering an argument. I also found that the book used photographs effectively. Non-verbal communication is much more effectively and efficiently communicated by photograph, and the author used many color photographs for this purpose. There was even a series of plates that acted as a quiz, asking the reader to put the knowledge she’d acquired to use, with an Appendix serving as the quiz key.
I should mention that some jerk tactics are scattered throughout the book – by that I mean approaches designed to dupe and / or manipulate the target. These may be fair game for interrogating criminal suspects or terrorists but some could backfire upon one when put to use in a relationship that demands more trust. Usually, the author isolates himself from these tactics by telling us it was something his student or a suspect once mentioned. For example, he describes pickup artists going to an ATM kiosk, plucking up receipts showing large balances, and then using said receipts when it came time to give a girl his number as a means to subtly plant the lie that he was wealthy. Mostly, the book seemed to separate itself from the many “how to be a successful creep” books that are out there, as is noted by the chapter on fostering long-term relationships.
I’d recommend this book for anyone interested in the dynamics of building relationships.
One aspect of this book that did seem unique was how much discussion is given to laying the groundwork of a friendship. Schafer emphasizes the need for patience, and he uses an example of cultivating a spy that involved a Special Agent placing himself in proximity to a target day after day before he ever exchanged so much as eye contact, let alone speaking. Interestingly, the epilogue shares a similar story from a historical memoir that shows both how effective these tactics are and how long they’ve been around. I wouldn’t be surprised if a civilian expert on these issues would say, “that’s fine if you need an ultra-light hand to cultivate a spy, but the same tactics may be a little too glacial for finding a mate or building a customer base. Personally, I don’t know how well Schafer’s approach translates to the work-a-day world, but I can imagine that if one parked oneself along a potential love interest’s route for week after week they might form the opinion one is either spineless or a stalker long before one got a chance to share eye contact.
The book consists of eight chapters, plus some front and back matter. The first chapter, entitled “The Friendship Formula,” sets out some banal concepts about the need to put oneself in proximity with one’s “target,” and then to build the frequency, duration, and intensity of said proximity events. However, it goes on to introduce some of the fundamentals that are elaborated upon later.
Chapter two focuses on pre-conversational activities. This largely involves non-verbal facial expressions and body language, but it also gets into issues such as appearance. Chapter three is about a central concept that Schafer calls “the golden rule of friendship,” which is basically the idea that people like individuals who make them feel good about themselves. Of course, people may distrust flatterers, and so the direct approach may not always be the best approach. The chapter therefore addresses pitfalls as well as sound tactics.
Chapter four is about what the author calls “the laws of attraction,” which are a series of ideas used to get the subject to look at one in a favorable light while avoiding the pitfalls of being too ham-handed. These are just ways to seem more appealing, often by capitalizing on (or making clear) existing causes for the individual to like one. But sometimes they involve deck-stacking activities such as in the case of “the law of misattribution.” In misattribution one shows up when an individual has been exercising so that maybe he or she will mistake the exercise-induced endorphin high for positive feelings towards one. There is a mix of ethical and exploitative approaches, and some ideas that might be of benefit for gaining a temporary upper-hand with someone one doesn’t have any long-term concern about might not be wise to employ with someone with which one might want a long-term relationship.
Chapter five is where one gets around to talking to the target of one’s desired rapport. As with the preceding chapters, this is as much about what not to say as it is what to say, but the single biggest point is to do more listening than talking. That is, give the target plenty of opportunity to talk about his- or herself and be cognizant of what they are saying, rather than preparing one’s own words. This is easier said than done given all that one must keep in mind, and the non-verbal cues one is watching for, etc.
Chapter six returns to non-verbal communication territory, and emphasizes testing one’s efforts to build rapport while simultaneously noticing the signs of whether it’s going well or not. This allows one to adjust one’s strategy (or to know it’s time to give up.)
Chapters seven and eight include material that one won’t necessarily see in competing books. Chapter seven is about maintaining the relationship that one has established. A lot of this chapter is about conversational strategies for defusing tense situations, lessening the friction in the relationship, and getting what one wants without building animosity. The last chapter takes one into really different territory by discussing on-line relationships and the building thereof. In large part, this chapter is a cautionary tale of the risks of entering a relationship given the lack of all the non-verbal cues. There are several cases of how individuals managed to portray themselves as something they weren’t.
I found this book interesting and beneficial. Its strengths include a tight focus; it doesn’t blast one with information by fire-hose, but rather offers a few simple ideas to focus on and hammers them home. The organization was logical, basically building up over the course of a relationship / interaction from being in proximity to making eye contact to conversing to weathering an argument. I also found that the book used photographs effectively. Non-verbal communication is much more effectively and efficiently communicated by photograph, and the author used many color photographs for this purpose. There was even a series of plates that acted as a quiz, asking the reader to put the knowledge she’d acquired to use, with an Appendix serving as the quiz key.
I should mention that some jerk tactics are scattered throughout the book – by that I mean approaches designed to dupe and / or manipulate the target. These may be fair game for interrogating criminal suspects or terrorists but some could backfire upon one when put to use in a relationship that demands more trust. Usually, the author isolates himself from these tactics by telling us it was something his student or a suspect once mentioned. For example, he describes pickup artists going to an ATM kiosk, plucking up receipts showing large balances, and then using said receipts when it came time to give a girl his number as a means to subtly plant the lie that he was wealthy. Mostly, the book seemed to separate itself from the many “how to be a successful creep” books that are out there, as is noted by the chapter on fostering long-term relationships.
I’d recommend this book for anyone interested in the dynamics of building relationships.
October 27, 2022
Educational, Knowing what can make you friendlier and how you actually see other people helps everyone to understand the influence and attractions between human beings.
February 15, 2022
"those your skis?"
"Both of em?"
Had to put and end to this. Actually couldn't continue through the cringe.
"Both of em?"
Had to put and end to this. Actually couldn't continue through the cringe.
September 5, 2023
Good book! As someone who's autistic and had social anxiety, this book is amazing.
Some chapters like the internet one I skipped because I already knew those tips bit chapter 5 was amazing.
If you want to learn how to make friends I recommend this book^^
Some chapters like the internet one I skipped because I already knew those tips bit chapter 5 was amazing.
If you want to learn how to make friends I recommend this book^^
August 1, 2018
The book makes a few good points such as those regarding watching for non-verbal cues and building rapport. However, there were a lot of stories that didn't seem genuine, not in the sense that they're fake, but in the sense that they may have been "edited" to bring about the point better or to conceal some confidential information. The way it is written is to preachy as well. The overall feeling was that "I am right and you as a reader should believe me. I have years of experience in this and whatever I learned in my career is applicable in any situation so do it!". To be honest, I would recommend recommend reading books on negotiation like "Never split the difference" instead. If you have a lot of time to read though, you shouldn't skip this book. It gets a passing score for talking about exactly what the title says and giving specific, clear and actionable ways how to achieve it.
January 21, 2020
The Like Switch was a surprisingly easy read. I enjoyed it mostly for the anecdotes littered throughout the book.
I think it could've done better at categorizing and making more meaningful headings. And a lot of what was mentioned was nothing really new or unexpected. Most of them were something we already knew, subconsciously or otherwise.
That being said, I did enjoy the book. The stories and examples related within make it easier for the readers to understand the points being made.
I think it could've done better at categorizing and making more meaningful headings. And a lot of what was mentioned was nothing really new or unexpected. Most of them were something we already knew, subconsciously or otherwise.
That being said, I did enjoy the book. The stories and examples related within make it easier for the readers to understand the points being made.
February 15, 2015
This is a interesting book. I really enjoyed this book because it taught me how to better utilize skills I did not know I already had! I have already started to use what I learned in this book at work. I have read books like "How to Make Friends and Influence People" and other similar titles which were great. I feel like this is the newer version of one of those books. Overall great read.
April 5, 2024
Information was interesting, and very useful if you find yourself in a pinch. Well written in terms of cadence of information. References were dated and sexist.
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