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Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict
FROM THE SUNDAY TIMES BEST SELLING AUTHOR OF HOW TO FAIL‘Bravely revealing.’ Bernardine Evaristo‘Funny, moving, helpful and true, Friendaholic deserves a massive audience.’ Sathnam Sanghera‘This book is brilliant.’ Jo Elvin‘Essential reading… admirably candid and well-crafted’ The Guardian As a society, there is a tendency to elevate romantic love. But what about friendships? Aren't they just as – if not more – important? So why is it hard to find the right words to express what these uniquely complex bonds mean to us? In Confessions of a Friendship Addict, Elizabeth Day embarks on a journey to answer these questions.Growing up, Elizabeth wanted to make everyone like her. Lacking friends at school, she grew up to believe that quantity equalled quality. Having lots of friends meant you were loved, popular and safe. She was determined to become a Good Friend. And, in many ways, she did. But in adulthood she slowly realised that it was often to the detriment of her own boundaries and mental health.Then, when a global pandemic hit in 2020, she was one of many who were forced to reassess what friendship really meant to them – with the crisis came a dawning her truest friends were not always the ones she had been spending most time with. Why was this? Could she rebalance it? Was there such thing as…too many friends? And was she really the friend she thought she was?Friendaholic unpacks the significance and evolution of friendship. From exploring her own personal friendships and the distinct importance of each of them in her life, to the unique and powerful insights of others across the globe, Elizabeth asks why there isn’t yet a language that can express its crucial influence on our world.From ghosting and frenemies to social media and seismic life events, Elizabeth leaves no stone unturned. Friendaholic is the book you buy for the people you love but it's also the book you read to become a better friend to yourself.
416 pages, Paperback
Published January 3, 2024
About the author
Elizabeth Day
22books1,567followersElizabeth Day is an English journalist, broadcaster and novelist. She was a feature writer for The Observer from 2007 to 2016 and has written four novels.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 724 reviews
March 29, 2023
29.03.2023
This book definitely made me think a lot about the people in my life - the past and current friends that I’ve had and the roles they’ve played. It’s helped me to rationalise and reflect on my own experiences while reading about the authors. I feel a little less alone and a lot more equipped to handle certain situations with friends.
My only real problem with this book (other than the fact that I didn’t think it was possible for a person to have THIS many friends), is the amount of tangents and metaphors packed into each chapter. I really enjoyed reading this, but I found the point or anecdote was often lost in a seemingly pointless side story or fact or lengthy metaphor.
This book definitely made me think a lot about the people in my life - the past and current friends that I’ve had and the roles they’ve played. It’s helped me to rationalise and reflect on my own experiences while reading about the authors. I feel a little less alone and a lot more equipped to handle certain situations with friends.
My only real problem with this book (other than the fact that I didn’t think it was possible for a person to have THIS many friends), is the amount of tangents and metaphors packed into each chapter. I really enjoyed reading this, but I found the point or anecdote was often lost in a seemingly pointless side story or fact or lengthy metaphor.
March 21, 2023
Devoured this within a day. Literally obsessed. I want everyone I know to read this, and also want to write a love letter to all of my friends, past and present. A must read!!!
March 22, 2023
Growing up, Elizabeth wanted to make everyone like her. Lacking friends at school, she grew up to believe that quantity equalled quality. Having lots of friends meant that you were loved, popular and safe. She was determined to become a Good Friend. And, in many ways, she did. But in adulthood she slowly realised that it was often to the detriment of her own boundaries and mental health.
Elizabeth Day tells us stories from her own personal life. This will be a very relatable book for many readers. She explores friendships and relationships. This is a thought provoking read. We don't need a massive circle of friends to support us. You just need the right people in your life.
I would like to thank #NetGalley #4thEstate and the author #ElizabethDay for my ARC of #Friendaholic in exchange for an honest review.
Elizabeth Day tells us stories from her own personal life. This will be a very relatable book for many readers. She explores friendships and relationships. This is a thought provoking read. We don't need a massive circle of friends to support us. You just need the right people in your life.
I would like to thank #NetGalley #4thEstate and the author #ElizabethDay for my ARC of #Friendaholic in exchange for an honest review.
July 29, 2024
I'm careful not to criticise books for not being what I wanted them to be. It states very clearly on the cover that it is theConfessions Of A Friendship Addictand this is very much a confessional. As such, everything is couched in the author's own experience and most topics are presented as the author trying to sort out a problem in her life.
Unfortunately, for me, the book is most interesting where it is least like a confessional and most like a scientific exploration of friendship. For example the discussion of Cicero's De Amicitia or Dunbar's friendship circles are fascinating. What's less fascinating to me is Day's hand wringing about what text message she should send a shitty friend who she doesn't really like.
That is not to say an exploration of friendship should only be done from the scientific perspective, there's no doubt that we experience friendship as a feeling and thus it's both subjective and completely personal. I'm just not sure Day's experiences of friendship are representative of the core experience for most people. I can sense that she will be routinely criticised for being a wealthy white women trying to explore her friendships in a first world country where she wants for very little. Even the section with her black friend Sharmaine undermines itself. The discussions talk about the complications involved in being the only black friend to a white person etc and sadly its place in the book feels very much like the tokenism that Day and Sharmaine are trying to fight. What's more, friendship is a universal experience that unites people and while it may be experienced differently by various cultures a fixation on division rather than connectivity seems counter-productive.
Academic and scientific lines of reasoning are used in this book to provide a bit of starch to an otherwise completely subjective book. Given that science is used as seasoning it shouldn't be surprising that there is little rigor cast over the facts chosen to support or prompt Day's positions. Of particular note was the use of the 2019 Snapchat Friendship report. I'm all for corporate entities creating qualitative studies with their platforms, we can always do with more research, but I'm also incredibly sceptical of the results. Day unfortunately applies no critical analysis whatsoever. Here's the extract about the Snapchat Friendship Report.
"It surveyed over 10,000 people across the world and found that the average age for meeting a best friend was twenty-one. The cultural perception of what a best friend was, and how many one should have, varied across countries. In India, the Middle East and Southeast Asia, people reported having three times the number of best friends as those in Australia, Europe and the US. Saudi Arabians had the highest average number of best friends at 6.6, while Britons had the lowest at 2.6. Americans are most likely to report having only one best friend. Fourteen percent had no best friend at all."
Let's unpack this. Firstly, a Snapchat study. Ok, so only people who have Snapchat. I wonder what the average age of people who have Snapchat is? Well what do you know, it's 21. I wonder if there's a gender bias in Snapchat users as well. Yes there is. Ok. People in Saudi Arabia report 6.6 best friends on average and Britons are the lowest at 2.6 but also Americans are most likely to report having only one. So wait is Britain still the lowest? Or is America? What about the word best? What does that mean? Isn't it a superlative?
Best: Superlative of good.Better than all others. my best friend.: good or useful in the highest degree: most excellent.
It is indeed a superlative. So that means realistically you can only have one. This is something I really wanted Day to address more broadly because she has a whole chapter for her "Best" friend and in that very chapter reveals this study where people can have 6.6 best friends. That's not how superlatives work. Do Americans only have one best friend because they understand superlatives? In general I'm ok with saying you have more than one best friend but Day has made it quite clear she only has one and that she's super special.
Rant over.
But the above is completely symptomatic of this book. The data is interesting if interpreted the right way but it's not useful if you just throw it out there without examining it properly. Why not explore why people from other cultures report having more best friends? That is the weakness of the confessional; everything is limited to the experience of the author.
Which gets at the other big limitation of the book for me, the outright dismissal of male-to-male friendships. She briefly pokes fun at the bromance, and goes on to say that the decrease in military participation has robbed men of the ability to have close physical relationships with other men. Despite the fact that's just wrong, if it was right why could that be? Has Day never seen a sports practice? There's no recognition that many male friendships are built differently but are no less deep. Men can have a deep bond that requires little to no talking to maintain. Any man who has played a game like rugby will attest to that. I've got friends who would run through a brick wall, both literally and metaphorically, for me based on our friendship developed through sport. We don't have to have"White Wine Wednesdays"to discuss how we feel about each other because playing and training alongside each other and pushing ourselves beyond physical barriers to grow as teammates and not let each other down says more than any fireside discussion possibly could.
Her only other source on male-to-male friendships is her male friend who doesn't have any. Seen as he doesn't have any or think they're any good they must therefore not exist right? That's just stupid. This male friend of hers who is the chosen expert on male friendship despite not having any says he's the type of guy who hates a stag do. Hmmmmm. I wonder if we should maybe look around for someone who likes the quintessential western male-to-male bonding experience before we just openly dismiss male friendship as a fiction. I turn to psychologist and professor Paul Wright to sum up the main difference between male and female friendships.
The essential difference between male and female same-sex friendships, is that female friendships are "face to face" whereas male friendships are "side by side". These phrases capture the frequently replicated finding that female friends like to "just talk" and view this activity as central to their friendship. Females compared to males also describe their talk as more intimate and more self-disclosing. Male friends, on the other hand, prefer to do things together other than "just talking." They share activities, such as sports, where their attention is focused on the same goals but not on one another.
This position may be horribly wrong for some people. It was noted down in the 80's so I'm sure its simple summary has since been superseded but it highlights the fact that if Day had just done a little bit more research she may have been able to really shed some light on male-to-male friendships and by way of contrast female-to-female friendships, and then friendship in general.
I also found the structure of the book slightly frustrating. I thought it was clever to have a different friend for each chapter and the inserted friend diaries from other people she'd interviewed were good too (though they should only have been inserted at the end of chapters not in the middle of one). Unfortunately, the friends don't stay to their chapters and some are far more interesting and more important for Day and hence pop up more regularly and say things of more interest. Because friends from later in the book pop up before their chapter I found the need for a cast list at the start of the book, like a Shakespearean play. I needed a reference to turn to every time Ellen but not Ellie or Lizzie, or Lisa, or Lou popped into the narrative. Was there a Becca and a Becs?
So I said I wouldn't criticise the book for not being what I wanted it to be but then I went and did that anyway. The book is an easy read about friendship and I think it's very much a book that will be appreciated more by women, I'm excited for some female friends to read it so I can hear their opinions about it.
Unfortunately, for me, the book is most interesting where it is least like a confessional and most like a scientific exploration of friendship. For example the discussion of Cicero's De Amicitia or Dunbar's friendship circles are fascinating. What's less fascinating to me is Day's hand wringing about what text message she should send a shitty friend who she doesn't really like.
That is not to say an exploration of friendship should only be done from the scientific perspective, there's no doubt that we experience friendship as a feeling and thus it's both subjective and completely personal. I'm just not sure Day's experiences of friendship are representative of the core experience for most people. I can sense that she will be routinely criticised for being a wealthy white women trying to explore her friendships in a first world country where she wants for very little. Even the section with her black friend Sharmaine undermines itself. The discussions talk about the complications involved in being the only black friend to a white person etc and sadly its place in the book feels very much like the tokenism that Day and Sharmaine are trying to fight. What's more, friendship is a universal experience that unites people and while it may be experienced differently by various cultures a fixation on division rather than connectivity seems counter-productive.
Academic and scientific lines of reasoning are used in this book to provide a bit of starch to an otherwise completely subjective book. Given that science is used as seasoning it shouldn't be surprising that there is little rigor cast over the facts chosen to support or prompt Day's positions. Of particular note was the use of the 2019 Snapchat Friendship report. I'm all for corporate entities creating qualitative studies with their platforms, we can always do with more research, but I'm also incredibly sceptical of the results. Day unfortunately applies no critical analysis whatsoever. Here's the extract about the Snapchat Friendship Report.
"It surveyed over 10,000 people across the world and found that the average age for meeting a best friend was twenty-one. The cultural perception of what a best friend was, and how many one should have, varied across countries. In India, the Middle East and Southeast Asia, people reported having three times the number of best friends as those in Australia, Europe and the US. Saudi Arabians had the highest average number of best friends at 6.6, while Britons had the lowest at 2.6. Americans are most likely to report having only one best friend. Fourteen percent had no best friend at all."
Let's unpack this. Firstly, a Snapchat study. Ok, so only people who have Snapchat. I wonder what the average age of people who have Snapchat is? Well what do you know, it's 21. I wonder if there's a gender bias in Snapchat users as well. Yes there is. Ok. People in Saudi Arabia report 6.6 best friends on average and Britons are the lowest at 2.6 but also Americans are most likely to report having only one. So wait is Britain still the lowest? Or is America? What about the word best? What does that mean? Isn't it a superlative?
Best: Superlative of good.Better than all others. my best friend.: good or useful in the highest degree: most excellent.
It is indeed a superlative. So that means realistically you can only have one. This is something I really wanted Day to address more broadly because she has a whole chapter for her "Best" friend and in that very chapter reveals this study where people can have 6.6 best friends. That's not how superlatives work. Do Americans only have one best friend because they understand superlatives? In general I'm ok with saying you have more than one best friend but Day has made it quite clear she only has one and that she's super special.
Rant over.
But the above is completely symptomatic of this book. The data is interesting if interpreted the right way but it's not useful if you just throw it out there without examining it properly. Why not explore why people from other cultures report having more best friends? That is the weakness of the confessional; everything is limited to the experience of the author.
Which gets at the other big limitation of the book for me, the outright dismissal of male-to-male friendships. She briefly pokes fun at the bromance, and goes on to say that the decrease in military participation has robbed men of the ability to have close physical relationships with other men. Despite the fact that's just wrong, if it was right why could that be? Has Day never seen a sports practice? There's no recognition that many male friendships are built differently but are no less deep. Men can have a deep bond that requires little to no talking to maintain. Any man who has played a game like rugby will attest to that. I've got friends who would run through a brick wall, both literally and metaphorically, for me based on our friendship developed through sport. We don't have to have"White Wine Wednesdays"to discuss how we feel about each other because playing and training alongside each other and pushing ourselves beyond physical barriers to grow as teammates and not let each other down says more than any fireside discussion possibly could.
Her only other source on male-to-male friendships is her male friend who doesn't have any. Seen as he doesn't have any or think they're any good they must therefore not exist right? That's just stupid. This male friend of hers who is the chosen expert on male friendship despite not having any says he's the type of guy who hates a stag do. Hmmmmm. I wonder if we should maybe look around for someone who likes the quintessential western male-to-male bonding experience before we just openly dismiss male friendship as a fiction. I turn to psychologist and professor Paul Wright to sum up the main difference between male and female friendships.
The essential difference between male and female same-sex friendships, is that female friendships are "face to face" whereas male friendships are "side by side". These phrases capture the frequently replicated finding that female friends like to "just talk" and view this activity as central to their friendship. Females compared to males also describe their talk as more intimate and more self-disclosing. Male friends, on the other hand, prefer to do things together other than "just talking." They share activities, such as sports, where their attention is focused on the same goals but not on one another.
This position may be horribly wrong for some people. It was noted down in the 80's so I'm sure its simple summary has since been superseded but it highlights the fact that if Day had just done a little bit more research she may have been able to really shed some light on male-to-male friendships and by way of contrast female-to-female friendships, and then friendship in general.
I also found the structure of the book slightly frustrating. I thought it was clever to have a different friend for each chapter and the inserted friend diaries from other people she'd interviewed were good too (though they should only have been inserted at the end of chapters not in the middle of one). Unfortunately, the friends don't stay to their chapters and some are far more interesting and more important for Day and hence pop up more regularly and say things of more interest. Because friends from later in the book pop up before their chapter I found the need for a cast list at the start of the book, like a Shakespearean play. I needed a reference to turn to every time Ellen but not Ellie or Lizzie, or Lisa, or Lou popped into the narrative. Was there a Becca and a Becs?
So I said I wouldn't criticise the book for not being what I wanted it to be but then I went and did that anyway. The book is an easy read about friendship and I think it's very much a book that will be appreciated more by women, I'm excited for some female friends to read it so I can hear their opinions about it.
June 26, 2023
This book absolutely hit the spot for me, and it’s been a long time since a book has got me this good. This examination on friendship; as a phenomenon, as a life force, as a thing that shapes our lives and our selves, truly captured my attention and my imagination. I think Day does such a good job of weaving and balancing enough research to make this robust, with personal reflection and anecdotes which make it compelling, and crafts this in such a way that opens the reader to reflection. I’ve thought lots while reading this about my friends, and about how I act as a friend, and came out of this reading experience feeling I better understood what friendship means in my life, how to be a better friend, and with more conscious gratitude for my friends than I have had in some time. A warm, vibrant, engaging read. Loved it.
February 27, 2023
I so wanted to love this but it just felt like the author was trying to wrangle a cat into a bag.
There are some neat observations- I particularly liked the references to the solar system - but these are buried beneath a marshmallow of slightly self-indulgent waffle.
It seems like a sad indictment of society that we even need to try and analyse friendships but the author sums it up herself….” We don’t have the terminology and until we sneak it into existence, it is difficult to express what we mean with any precision”
Perhaps she should have left it there.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advanced copy.
There are some neat observations- I particularly liked the references to the solar system - but these are buried beneath a marshmallow of slightly self-indulgent waffle.
It seems like a sad indictment of society that we even need to try and analyse friendships but the author sums it up herself….” We don’t have the terminology and until we sneak it into existence, it is difficult to express what we mean with any precision”
Perhaps she should have left it there.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advanced copy.
September 9, 2023
400 pages of basic middle class navel gazing. I found this literally pointless.
January 17, 2024
Já tinha este livro debaixo de olho há algum tempo, desde que me cruzei com a capa lindíssima da versão original nas estantes da Salted Books. Acabei por ler em português por estar incluído no Kobo Plus (e com a mesma capa linda, OBRIGADA PORTUGAL!).
O tema da amizade é algo que me tem interessado muito nos últimos tempos. Sinto que estamos finalmente a perceber que nem todo o amor é romântico e que as relações platónicas tem um peso igual ou maior na nossa vida. Este livro aborda vários tipos de amizade sempre baseados na experiência pessoal da autora, o que lhe dá um cunho muito próprio, mas também com muita informação estatística e científica. Acabei por me relacionar muito com algumas das lutas travadas pela autora neste campo da sua vida, e consegui tirar alguns ensinamentos destas páginas. Contudo, não vou negar que esperava que o livro abordasse ainda mais vertentes da amizade, algo que só não é possível porque lá está, é baseado na experiência pessoal da autora.
Sinto que está uma boa tradução, mas acho que teria apreciado mais a leitura no seu original, uma vez que a autora é britânica e é muito difícil fazer transparecer esse tipo de humor na nossa língua.
O tema da amizade é algo que me tem interessado muito nos últimos tempos. Sinto que estamos finalmente a perceber que nem todo o amor é romântico e que as relações platónicas tem um peso igual ou maior na nossa vida. Este livro aborda vários tipos de amizade sempre baseados na experiência pessoal da autora, o que lhe dá um cunho muito próprio, mas também com muita informação estatística e científica. Acabei por me relacionar muito com algumas das lutas travadas pela autora neste campo da sua vida, e consegui tirar alguns ensinamentos destas páginas. Contudo, não vou negar que esperava que o livro abordasse ainda mais vertentes da amizade, algo que só não é possível porque lá está, é baseado na experiência pessoal da autora.
Sinto que está uma boa tradução, mas acho que teria apreciado mais a leitura no seu original, uma vez que a autora é britânica e é muito difícil fazer transparecer esse tipo de humor na nossa língua.
April 6, 2023
A book about Elizabeth’s infertility (trigger warning!!!) thinly veiled as a book about friendship.
The friendship parts were good but ultimately this book is a scam. I don’t care about your womb, sorry!!!
The friendship parts were good but ultimately this book is a scam. I don’t care about your womb, sorry!!!
September 29, 2023
It's a testament to the popularity ofFriendaholicthat I put it on hold at the library as both a hardback and an audiobook. The hardback took 4 months to arrive; the audiobook would have taken 6 months.
However, I think it's less because this book is stellar (it's #mid), and more because friendship doesn't get talked about enough in our society. For me personally, failed friendships have left lasting scars on my soul; the successful ones mean more to me than I can say. Yet we rarely stop to examine those hurts and joys; family and romance take up all the air in the proverbial room.
Anyway, enough about friendship in general and ontoFriendaholicas a book. Its first few chapters are its strongest, as Elizabeth Day recounts various friendships in her life (the childhood friend, the college friend, the frienemy, the date who turned into a friend). These recollections are warm and vivid, but very, very specific to Day. The trouble is, she continually tries to draw universal conclusions from her own (again, very specific) experiences.
I personally found it difficult to relate to Day. She frets about having toooo maaaaany friends and doesn't have time for them all. (I can honestly say I've never had too many friends and often had too few.) She's extremely focused on 'hugging and crying, learning and growing', while I? idk? mostly want to have fun with my friends? She dismisses "activity buddies" and the concept of hobbies in general, while I love hobbies and am always looking for activity buddies (WILL ANYONE GO ICE SKATING WITH ME, I'M NOT KIDDING). Her perspective is very London, very upper-middle-class. Her infertility struggles appear to overshadow everything in her life. (Warning: there's a lot of infertility stuff in this book.)
The second half ofFriendaholicdescends into women's-magazine-style puff (some people say social media makes them feel lonely, while others find it a useful way to keep in touch! would you believe it!). There's a level of waffle that honestly should have been cut by an editor.
The effort to bring in other perspectives feels undercooked. The two-page friendship diaries from other people are lacking in context and therefore unengaging. The tendency to quote Day's conversations with friends verbatim adds more bloat to an already bloated book.
I'd love to read a considered, thoughtful book on friendship by an author who really has something to say. But this ain't it.
However, I think it's less because this book is stellar (it's #mid), and more because friendship doesn't get talked about enough in our society. For me personally, failed friendships have left lasting scars on my soul; the successful ones mean more to me than I can say. Yet we rarely stop to examine those hurts and joys; family and romance take up all the air in the proverbial room.
Anyway, enough about friendship in general and ontoFriendaholicas a book. Its first few chapters are its strongest, as Elizabeth Day recounts various friendships in her life (the childhood friend, the college friend, the frienemy, the date who turned into a friend). These recollections are warm and vivid, but very, very specific to Day. The trouble is, she continually tries to draw universal conclusions from her own (again, very specific) experiences.
I personally found it difficult to relate to Day. She frets about having toooo maaaaany friends and doesn't have time for them all. (I can honestly say I've never had too many friends and often had too few.) She's extremely focused on 'hugging and crying, learning and growing', while I? idk? mostly want to have fun with my friends? She dismisses "activity buddies" and the concept of hobbies in general, while I love hobbies and am always looking for activity buddies (WILL ANYONE GO ICE SKATING WITH ME, I'M NOT KIDDING). Her perspective is very London, very upper-middle-class. Her infertility struggles appear to overshadow everything in her life. (Warning: there's a lot of infertility stuff in this book.)
The second half ofFriendaholicdescends into women's-magazine-style puff (some people say social media makes them feel lonely, while others find it a useful way to keep in touch! would you believe it!). There's a level of waffle that honestly should have been cut by an editor.
The effort to bring in other perspectives feels undercooked. The two-page friendship diaries from other people are lacking in context and therefore unengaging. The tendency to quote Day's conversations with friends verbatim adds more bloat to an already bloated book.
I'd love to read a considered, thoughtful book on friendship by an author who really has something to say. But this ain't it.
December 29, 2023
I saw Elizabeth Day at a book event recently talking about this book, which I'd previously heard of but wasn't sure if I would pick up... well her talk about this book changed that, it sounded utterly fascinating and it was!
SYNOPSIS:
"As a society, there is a tendency to elevate romantic love. But what about friendships? Aren't they just as – if not more – important? So why is it hard to find the right words to express what these uniquely complex bonds mean to us? In Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict, Elizabeth Day embarks on a journey to answer these questions."
MY THOUGHTS:
💞 Friendship, particularly from a woman's perspective, is a fascinating relationship dynamic and as many of us have, I've been through a journey as I get older on how I value or measure friendship.
💞 I loved how Day approach this concept, from her early years through to today, and how her friendships (and many of the readers - well certainly me!) have evolved. But it's also sprinkled with a lot of research studies and historical references on this type of relationship in comparison to romantic ones.
💞 I spent a lot of my time reading this book and thinking "Yes that happened to me" or "OMG that's me" or "I do/did that", so I feel it's a sign of a good book when so much of it relates or I feel seen.
💞 I loved the exploration of not just what friendship is and means to people but that it's okay to end friendships, just as it is to end other relationships. And that it's not all about how many friends you have but the value you bring to your life.
💞 I loved the structure of the book, with chapters about societal change e.g. "double tap to like" and "ghosting" interspersed with interviews with friends about friendship e.g. "Clemmie: Can friendships withstand big life shifts".
💞 And also Day brings her lovely writing style of honesty and humour which meant I devoured this in just a few days!
A fascinating read that I would highly recommend to all my friends and non-friends 😉
SYNOPSIS:
"As a society, there is a tendency to elevate romantic love. But what about friendships? Aren't they just as – if not more – important? So why is it hard to find the right words to express what these uniquely complex bonds mean to us? In Friendaholic: Confessions of a Friendship Addict, Elizabeth Day embarks on a journey to answer these questions."
MY THOUGHTS:
💞 Friendship, particularly from a woman's perspective, is a fascinating relationship dynamic and as many of us have, I've been through a journey as I get older on how I value or measure friendship.
💞 I loved how Day approach this concept, from her early years through to today, and how her friendships (and many of the readers - well certainly me!) have evolved. But it's also sprinkled with a lot of research studies and historical references on this type of relationship in comparison to romantic ones.
💞 I spent a lot of my time reading this book and thinking "Yes that happened to me" or "OMG that's me" or "I do/did that", so I feel it's a sign of a good book when so much of it relates or I feel seen.
💞 I loved the exploration of not just what friendship is and means to people but that it's okay to end friendships, just as it is to end other relationships. And that it's not all about how many friends you have but the value you bring to your life.
💞 I loved the structure of the book, with chapters about societal change e.g. "double tap to like" and "ghosting" interspersed with interviews with friends about friendship e.g. "Clemmie: Can friendships withstand big life shifts".
💞 And also Day brings her lovely writing style of honesty and humour which meant I devoured this in just a few days!
A fascinating read that I would highly recommend to all my friends and non-friends 😉
January 21, 2024
I had a real love-hate relationship with this book. I started off really not liking it and almost put it down, I just thought it came from a really privileged perspective and that wasn’t acknowledged enough - like addiction is a huge illness and saying your addicted to friendship is taking the piss a bit!! BUT, at the same time, some of the chapters were really enjoyable and thought provoking! Made my think about how much a I value my gal pals ❤️❤️
June 1, 2024
In the Introduction to this book, author Elizabeth Day recounts the epiphany that led her understand that “Friendship” has been the passion of her life. I understood exactly what she meant; indeed, I have often described friendship as my “life’s project” or “purpose.” I am deeply curious about other people and endlessly fascinated by what they think and feel; I truly want to hear ALL of their stories. If I have any gift, I think it is the gift of being able to hold many people close at the same time. I *mostly* think of my friendships as the great blessing of my life, and yet lately, I have begun to suspect that I simply do not have the emotional energy that is required for the maintenance of so many friendships. I have also realised that some of my closest friends feel uncomfortable about the fact that I call so many people “one of my best friends.”
Can a person do anything to excess, including friendship? I think that is probably the case, and this book attempts to explain why. At its best, friendship is the ultimate healing and nonjudgmental space, but it can also be an emotional crutch or something even more damaging. Choosing quantity over quality means we can miss out on the more profound emotional possibilities of friendship.
Day takes a mostly chronological approach in this book, which means she starts at the beginning: the school days in which she felt herself to be unpopular and largely friendless. For many years, collecting and cultivating friendships was a way of making herself feel “okay;” on a basic level, friendship was an external reinforcement that allowed her to persuade herself that she was basically likeable.
In some ways, I could identify with this: my own background includes an unpopular adolescence and an emotionally (and physically distant) marriage. Because I never had a friendship from my husband, I was always looking for it elsewhere. We moved often, and I made a couple of “best friends” everywhere we went - and then I attempted to keep all of those relationships close to me.
One of the notes that I took on the book had to do with “Dunbar’s number:” in other words, the British anthropologist’s Robin Dunbar’s belief that humans can only comfortably maintain about 150 “stable” relationships, which relates to both rustic communities and the average size of a Christmas card list. Dunbar describes the 150 as a series of concentric circles - with the innermost circle of intimates being 1.5 (a romantic partner and a best friend for some people; for others, just one of those); a circle of 5-6 particular intimates; a circle of 15 key people; and then 50 people who might be invited to a weekend BBQ; and then finally the 150 “wedding and funeral” people. As I cogitated on this, I realised that I lack the intimate circle entirely, but have tried to keep at least 15 people within the circle where there should be only 5. My large community of online friends - some of them now “in real life” friends as well - further complicates matters and means that I am rarely caught up with all of my messages on way too many platforms.
In a reasonable attempt to be as thorough as possible on the subject of friendship, Day explores various kinds of friendships and friendship pitfalls: everything from “frenemies” to “ghosting” to the pros and cons of online friendships. A standout for me was in her discussion of friendships “boundaries” - and her interview with a friend called Sharmaine on that subject. Like Day, I have some trouble with boundaries and it is something that I have been trying to address - with very mixed success - in the past year or two. Day has realised that she benefits from being friends who are highly boundaried - and I realised, with some reflection, that this is true of most of my closest friends as well. I need that from friends.
I came to this book ready to learn something and I think that it did have something to offer me. One of the most enlightening chapters came towards the end, when Day discussed her “best” friendship with Emma and they worked together to define friendship in its best and most productive sense. Day has realised that her own “metric” for friendship is “generosity of spirit:” the friendships that mean the most to her, that nourish and heal her, are the ones which are loving, nonjudgmental and non-demanding, but most importantly, the ones which will always, always trust her and give her the benefit of the doubt.
All of us meet people who come and go out of our lives; the majority of friendships won’t last forever, and whilst some of them gently fade, there are also some which break or rupture in a way that is painful for both friends. I particularly liked the way that Day applies her “generosity of spirit” to the friends who have let us down or even hurt us or maybe have just faded in importance through the passing of years.
Ironically, as I was finishing this book, an online friend said something to me that I found very hurtful. We are no longer as close as we once were, and this encounter will no doubt further fray our friendship. But I do believe, as Day does, that we can have a “generosity of spirit” towards friends that we have once valued and cherished - even if we have hurt them, and they have hurt us. As I have matured - both in myself, and in friendship - I, too, have learned the understanding that people are always undergoing their own difficulties, that “life is complicated,” and that “everyone bears personal suffering that we cannot possibly have access to.”
Friendship is not a numbers game, but maybe in a way it is. I truly believe that if you have authentic friendship chemistry with someone you will always have it, just like you know in your gut which friends are generously “for” you and which ones can only love you according to conditions which you may fail to meet. Liberation from being a “friendaholic” is truly knowing the difference.
Can a person do anything to excess, including friendship? I think that is probably the case, and this book attempts to explain why. At its best, friendship is the ultimate healing and nonjudgmental space, but it can also be an emotional crutch or something even more damaging. Choosing quantity over quality means we can miss out on the more profound emotional possibilities of friendship.
Day takes a mostly chronological approach in this book, which means she starts at the beginning: the school days in which she felt herself to be unpopular and largely friendless. For many years, collecting and cultivating friendships was a way of making herself feel “okay;” on a basic level, friendship was an external reinforcement that allowed her to persuade herself that she was basically likeable.
In some ways, I could identify with this: my own background includes an unpopular adolescence and an emotionally (and physically distant) marriage. Because I never had a friendship from my husband, I was always looking for it elsewhere. We moved often, and I made a couple of “best friends” everywhere we went - and then I attempted to keep all of those relationships close to me.
One of the notes that I took on the book had to do with “Dunbar’s number:” in other words, the British anthropologist’s Robin Dunbar’s belief that humans can only comfortably maintain about 150 “stable” relationships, which relates to both rustic communities and the average size of a Christmas card list. Dunbar describes the 150 as a series of concentric circles - with the innermost circle of intimates being 1.5 (a romantic partner and a best friend for some people; for others, just one of those); a circle of 5-6 particular intimates; a circle of 15 key people; and then 50 people who might be invited to a weekend BBQ; and then finally the 150 “wedding and funeral” people. As I cogitated on this, I realised that I lack the intimate circle entirely, but have tried to keep at least 15 people within the circle where there should be only 5. My large community of online friends - some of them now “in real life” friends as well - further complicates matters and means that I am rarely caught up with all of my messages on way too many platforms.
In a reasonable attempt to be as thorough as possible on the subject of friendship, Day explores various kinds of friendships and friendship pitfalls: everything from “frenemies” to “ghosting” to the pros and cons of online friendships. A standout for me was in her discussion of friendships “boundaries” - and her interview with a friend called Sharmaine on that subject. Like Day, I have some trouble with boundaries and it is something that I have been trying to address - with very mixed success - in the past year or two. Day has realised that she benefits from being friends who are highly boundaried - and I realised, with some reflection, that this is true of most of my closest friends as well. I need that from friends.
I came to this book ready to learn something and I think that it did have something to offer me. One of the most enlightening chapters came towards the end, when Day discussed her “best” friendship with Emma and they worked together to define friendship in its best and most productive sense. Day has realised that her own “metric” for friendship is “generosity of spirit:” the friendships that mean the most to her, that nourish and heal her, are the ones which are loving, nonjudgmental and non-demanding, but most importantly, the ones which will always, always trust her and give her the benefit of the doubt.
All of us meet people who come and go out of our lives; the majority of friendships won’t last forever, and whilst some of them gently fade, there are also some which break or rupture in a way that is painful for both friends. I particularly liked the way that Day applies her “generosity of spirit” to the friends who have let us down or even hurt us or maybe have just faded in importance through the passing of years.
Ironically, as I was finishing this book, an online friend said something to me that I found very hurtful. We are no longer as close as we once were, and this encounter will no doubt further fray our friendship. But I do believe, as Day does, that we can have a “generosity of spirit” towards friends that we have once valued and cherished - even if we have hurt them, and they have hurt us. As I have matured - both in myself, and in friendship - I, too, have learned the understanding that people are always undergoing their own difficulties, that “life is complicated,” and that “everyone bears personal suffering that we cannot possibly have access to.”
Friendship is not a numbers game, but maybe in a way it is. I truly believe that if you have authentic friendship chemistry with someone you will always have it, just like you know in your gut which friends are generously “for” you and which ones can only love you according to conditions which you may fail to meet. Liberation from being a “friendaholic” is truly knowing the difference.
August 30, 2023
Ja hmm…. had er toch echt meer van verwacht! Op sommige delen interessant maar het bleek gewoon echt meer een boek te zijn over haar vriendschappen in plaats van vriendschappen in het algemeen, ik mis toch gewoon de wetenschap een beetje (ook al probeert ze die erbij te halen maar vaak veel te kort). En vooral in het eerste deel vond ik de auteur gewoon nogal onzeker?? Misschien omdat ik precies het tegenovergestelde ben maar girly je kan gewoon nee zeggen tegen mensen en grenzen stellen?
Vermakelijk en soms interessant but not it! Ik had denk ik de titel gewoon letterlijk moeten nemen als inhoud van het boek
Vermakelijk en soms interessant but not it! Ik had denk ik de titel gewoon letterlijk moeten nemen als inhoud van het boek
September 1, 2023
I was really excited to read this as I thought it would help me be a better friend and strengthen friendships. I couldn’t take much from it as most of the case studies seem to be about the author feeling overwhelmed by keeping up with friends (which isn’t the case with me!)
The title makes more sense after reading it, she’s very open about her need for friendships… and I understand it’s a confessional; but I think she missed the opportunity to put herself in other people’s shoes and help those that have no friends, or struggle to make/maintain deep friendships.
The title makes more sense after reading it, she’s very open about her need for friendships… and I understand it’s a confessional; but I think she missed the opportunity to put herself in other people’s shoes and help those that have no friends, or struggle to make/maintain deep friendships.
December 9, 2023
This made me very reflective and there were some really strong chapters (the one on fertility/managing female friendships around parenthood in particular). I also love in general this was about friends! Such an underrepresented topic.
This being said, at points it felt a bit like reading self-therapy for past friendship dramas, a lot of the memoir/childhood stuff just didn’t add much (would have liked more research/science) and boy oh BOY were there a lot of heavy-handed metaphors.
This being said, at points it felt a bit like reading self-therapy for past friendship dramas, a lot of the memoir/childhood stuff just didn’t add much (would have liked more research/science) and boy oh BOY were there a lot of heavy-handed metaphors.
June 14, 2023
An amazing book that made me rethink some and validated other of my discoveries about friendship. I would really advise the audiobook.
May 30, 2023
Really enjoyed this book. I listened to the audiobook. I love Elizabeth Day’s writing and her reading of the book.
September 22, 2024
4.5 rounded down to 4 (ugh i don't even like saying that!!!) but only because of length and i will probably change my rating in a few days once i've had time to process just how much i loved this book. felt like a direct translation of my inner most thoughts. if you want a look inside my brain or are a girl or if you have even just one friend you should prob read this book
September 6, 2023
I really enjoyed this exploration into the value of friendships. As a bit of a friendaholic in my past too, there was a lot here I could relate too - anxious attachment style, need to feel loved and valued and fear of rejection. I, like Elizabeth, felt that quantity somehow reflected on my own self worth, and more friends would stave off the residual fear that adolescent bullying left me with.
The chapter on her fertility struggles also struck a profound chord. How our friends navigate our life events with us, can at times be very telling. And how we, in turn, can be a good friend and support others.
It's a book which prompted some self reflection and also immense gratitude for the wonderful people in my life I'm lucky enough to call my friends.
Ultimately, like Elizabeth, friends are utterly integral to my life and to read such a positive book celebrating that platonic love was heart warming.
The chapter on her fertility struggles also struck a profound chord. How our friends navigate our life events with us, can at times be very telling. And how we, in turn, can be a good friend and support others.
It's a book which prompted some self reflection and also immense gratitude for the wonderful people in my life I'm lucky enough to call my friends.
Ultimately, like Elizabeth, friends are utterly integral to my life and to read such a positive book celebrating that platonic love was heart warming.
July 19, 2024
This definitely made me think about all the friendships I’ve had, a sometimes tough introspection. As a fellow (recovering!) friendaholic I was comforted when my own experiences were mirrored in some of Elizabeth’s stories: particularly friends becoming highly superior after having children, & when you realise you’ve given so much more to a friendship than the other party - how best to extract yourself without feeling “guilty”.
This book contains much discussion of fertility issues, a trigger warning should really be included.
This book contains much discussion of fertility issues, a trigger warning should really be included.
May 7, 2024
A bit repetitive but still very informative. It made me look at my friendships, past and current, in a different way.
January 20, 2024
Gostei bastante da premissa
A escrita da autora é já minha conhecida e gosto sempre
Mas achei que acabou por ser demasiado, em termos de páginas e às vezes de informação
Recomendo de qualquer forma para quem tiver interesse, mas vão com a mente aberta!
A melhor parte é que para cada tipo de amizade conseguia associar uma pessoa da minha vida o que dava mais significado a cada capítulo
A escrita da autora é já minha conhecida e gosto sempre
Mas achei que acabou por ser demasiado, em termos de páginas e às vezes de informação
Recomendo de qualquer forma para quem tiver interesse, mas vão com a mente aberta!
A melhor parte é que para cada tipo de amizade conseguia associar uma pessoa da minha vida o que dava mais significado a cada capítulo
April 20, 2023
This was a very personal experience with friendships. I sometimes could relate so well to her expectations and behaviors as a friend, and also on the other side of things friends expected from her as a friend. Really great to reflect on ones own friends and self as friend.
January 22, 2023
What makes a ‘best friend’? According to a study quoted by the author, the label is defined as involving ‘a high degree of attachment, intimate exchange and support’ - and the researchers found that people with best friends ‘tended to have lower social anxiety, an increased sense of self-worth and fewer symptoms of depression… The label of ‘best friend’ did not have to be mutual to both parties and nor did participants have to name the same person at different stages. Crucially, it seemed to be quality not quantity that had the most impact’.
This is a very personal and relatable account of cultivating and maintaining friendships throughout challenging times and phases of life - not always a smooth or rewarding process, which will resonate with many readers, as with myself.
With thanks to the publisher for the ARC via NetGalley
This is a very personal and relatable account of cultivating and maintaining friendships throughout challenging times and phases of life - not always a smooth or rewarding process, which will resonate with many readers, as with myself.
With thanks to the publisher for the ARC via NetGalley
August 6, 2023
This has given me so much clarity wrt my many mid-20s living-abroad friendship crises. Will be thinking about this content for a while!
September 9, 2024
Ler este livro foi perceber o quão pouco me tinha dedicado a refletir sobre o tópico da amizade, no geral, e sobre as minhas amizades, em particular. Tal como a autora realça ao longo do livro, as relações de amizade - apesar de extremamente importantes nas nossas vidas - são uma área que não é alvo de discussão, o que resulta em pouca clareza da nossa parte daquilo que é expectável de todos os envolvidos nestas relações.
Adorei que existe imensa investigação e evidência científica por detrás dos tópicos abordados pela autora e achei muito interessantes os inúmeros estudos citados acerca dos efeitos da amizade na nossa saúde (inclusive no desenvolvimento do nosso cérebro) e as diversas formas como a amizade impacta o nosso bem estar.
A autora é super engraçada, o que torna a leitura muito leve; ela serve-se da sua própria experiência como ponto de partida para abordar os diversos tópicos deste livro, mas a certo ponto senti que o livro começou a ficar mais pessoal e a oferecer menos material para reflexão.
No geral é uma boa leitura: informativa, engraçada e com material para refletir.
Adorei que existe imensa investigação e evidência científica por detrás dos tópicos abordados pela autora e achei muito interessantes os inúmeros estudos citados acerca dos efeitos da amizade na nossa saúde (inclusive no desenvolvimento do nosso cérebro) e as diversas formas como a amizade impacta o nosso bem estar.
A autora é super engraçada, o que torna a leitura muito leve; ela serve-se da sua própria experiência como ponto de partida para abordar os diversos tópicos deste livro, mas a certo ponto senti que o livro começou a ficar mais pessoal e a oferecer menos material para reflexão.
No geral é uma boa leitura: informativa, engraçada e com material para refletir.
March 17, 2024
"I'd like it to say: this is what I can offer, and this is what I can't. I can be this kind of friend, but if you're in the market for anything more, I'm not the one for you."
Ich bin sehr froh, dieses Buch gelesen zu haben. Vor allem, weil Freundschaften so ein wichtiger Teil unseres Lebens sind, bei dem oft davon ausgegangen wird, dass wir ihn magisch beherrschen, ohne viel darüber zu lernen oder zu reflektieren. Dieses Buch hat mich dazu gebracht, meine aktuellen Freundschaften zu betrachten und Konsequenzen für zukünftige zu ziehen. Das war exakt das, was ich mir erhofft hatte.
An einigen Stellen waren die persönlichen Erzählungen für mich deutlich zu lang und zu detailliert, gerade, wenn sie stark von den eigenen Erfahrungen abweichen. Das hat dafür gesorgt, dass das Lesen teilweise etwas mühsam war, sich aber letzendlich gelohnt hat.
Ich bin sehr froh, dieses Buch gelesen zu haben. Vor allem, weil Freundschaften so ein wichtiger Teil unseres Lebens sind, bei dem oft davon ausgegangen wird, dass wir ihn magisch beherrschen, ohne viel darüber zu lernen oder zu reflektieren. Dieses Buch hat mich dazu gebracht, meine aktuellen Freundschaften zu betrachten und Konsequenzen für zukünftige zu ziehen. Das war exakt das, was ich mir erhofft hatte.
An einigen Stellen waren die persönlichen Erzählungen für mich deutlich zu lang und zu detailliert, gerade, wenn sie stark von den eigenen Erfahrungen abweichen. Das hat dafür gesorgt, dass das Lesen teilweise etwas mühsam war, sich aber letzendlich gelohnt hat.
May 27, 2024
4 ⭐️
As someone who is quite particular when it comes to what I look for in a friendship, this book definitely opened my eyes and made me realise that friendship isn't a one-size-fits-all concept. It also made me reflect on myself and the type of friend I am (a topic to unpack for another time) 😳
Reading about the different types of friends (and friendships) Elizabeth has come across throughout her life also made me feel comforted knowing that there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to navigate friendships.
Overall, this book helped me see that friendships are just as diverse as the people in them, and that we’re all just figuring out how to be the best friends we can be.:)
Here are some quotes that I liked:
“To have no judgement while giving each other the benefit of the doubt. To see your friend with love when they struggle to see themselves. That, for both of us, is the truest friendship.”
“A true friendship will help heal past disappointments and present wrongs. A true friendship is a raft in the ever-changing waters of life.”
“In the end, this is what the truest friendship does. It offers the promise of understanding, of transformation, of planetary realignment. It gives us that most essential quality: it gives us hope.”
As someone who is quite particular when it comes to what I look for in a friendship, this book definitely opened my eyes and made me realise that friendship isn't a one-size-fits-all concept. It also made me reflect on myself and the type of friend I am (a topic to unpack for another time) 😳
Reading about the different types of friends (and friendships) Elizabeth has come across throughout her life also made me feel comforted knowing that there isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to navigate friendships.
Overall, this book helped me see that friendships are just as diverse as the people in them, and that we’re all just figuring out how to be the best friends we can be.:)
Here are some quotes that I liked:
“To have no judgement while giving each other the benefit of the doubt. To see your friend with love when they struggle to see themselves. That, for both of us, is the truest friendship.”
“A true friendship will help heal past disappointments and present wrongs. A true friendship is a raft in the ever-changing waters of life.”
“In the end, this is what the truest friendship does. It offers the promise of understanding, of transformation, of planetary realignment. It gives us that most essential quality: it gives us hope.”
June 19, 2023
What a book!!! Could not put it down and got SO much from it. A great lighthearted but meaningful book about modern friendship. Was taking pictures of pages constantly to come back to and discuss with other people. Also recommended to others due to conversations we’d had and things that came up in the book.
I related to it so much and believe if every adult read this, we could all be experiencing more honest, deeper connections. It was also, though, just comforting and funny to read!
Relationships/friendships are so complex and it is reassuring to read something, in an easy way, that means your experiences aren’t that unusual after all! Friendships are important and can be life-altering!
AND THEN she referenced Anne of Green Gables which was the icing on the cake for me as that character means such a lot to me.
I want to read more by Elizabeth Day!
I related to it so much and believe if every adult read this, we could all be experiencing more honest, deeper connections. It was also, though, just comforting and funny to read!
Relationships/friendships are so complex and it is reassuring to read something, in an easy way, that means your experiences aren’t that unusual after all! Friendships are important and can be life-altering!
AND THEN she referenced Anne of Green Gables which was the icing on the cake for me as that character means such a lot to me.
I want to read more by Elizabeth Day!
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