aikidofreak

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013)

Harry Twilight meets Plothole Paradise

-- Some minor spoilers --

OK, so I went to see this movie unbiased. I saw a trailer and it looked kinda cool. the trailer cleverly hides the Twilight-ish of this movie. you see all the action and none of the... ugh. anyway, Im a bit of a fan of the whole vampires, werewolves, spirits & other nasty fauna movies so I gave it a whirl. Oh dear.

STORY

I haven't read the books (didn't know they existed, lolz). But -still- I could tell by the way this movie makes frog leaps through the storyline and skims over certain things that somewhere, sometime this was supposed to follow a better storyline with more detail. But yeah, cram a book into 2 hours of movie and you re bound to mess it up. Honestly, the story is uninspired, clichéd and so full of plot holes it couldn't hold a drop of water to save its life and it's all a bit of a gobbled mess. I have never seen so many unfinished story lines and random stuff happening without a proper follow-up. stuff happens and... it isn't explained why. characters suddenly appear and disappear without as much as a hint where they came from or went to. time and time again... where were the scriptwriters? out having a snack?

CHARACTERS

Cardboard cutouts. 'nuff said. Let's tick em off, shall we?

• young, pretty girl who gets thrown into a world of weirdness - check - pretty boy hero dude who makes the girl walk bow legged - check - bad ass tough chick who dresses like a slut - check - stumbling, mildly mannered friend with secret crush on lead girl - check - Bad guy who isn't actually a bad guy but still is cuz the director needed an antagonist - check - incompetent goons who get offed in 2 seconds flat - check - demons who can't kill anyone even if you give them a rocket launcher - check

The acting was also... meh... more often than not I was wondering why the director didn't fire some of his cast. and I do mean that. the delivery of lines is sooooo painfully awkward at times.

ACTION

But Dashy, why did ya give it a 5/10 then? one might ask. for one: because the action scenes weren't half bad. there were too few, too far apart but the ones that were in it were quite decent. Twilight's retarded kindergarten wrestle match can learn quite a lot from these sequences.

SETTING

If you are willing to accept that Hogwarts has been rented out to Evil Slayers, it always rains when something sad / dramatic happens (which is hard to tell at times due to the acting, but I digress) and werewolves live in a motorcycle gang garage, the settings are quite good. the whole movie has a nice, dark fantasy vibe hanging over it. with emphasis on dark. sometimes it was bloody impossible to see what the hell was going on. too... damn... dark. Directors, here's a hint: if you want to make a scary atmosphere, make sure the audience can see wtf is going on, at least. it was like Alien vs Predator Requim all over again.

VERDICT

Harry Potter-ish setting complete with magic combined with Twilight-like sappy teenage frolicking at the weirdest possible times in a fantasy universe. almost no humour, no proper acting, some proper incest, gay-out-of-a-box which makes no sense at all and comes out of nowhere and so many plot holes it boggles the mind and scenes so dark it was like staring up an elephant's arse. good points... ehr. no. let me call them 'redeeming factors' were the mood, the fight scenes and... ehr. the Honda CB4 at the end. (at least I think it was a CB4. couldn't tell CUZ IT WAS TOO FREAKIN DARK!

(just kidding, it was during daytime, ask the vampire kid who somehow can walk around during the day without problems nor explanation)

TL: DR

Too much like twilight. Too much like Harry Potter. too little action, too uninspired and extremely sloppy made.

5/10

If you like Twilight (god help you) you'll like this probably. If you hate Twilight (god help you) you probably won't like this. This movie is Underworld gone gay (literally) and added some teen sappyness instead of heads getting sliced off. And let's be honest, we watch these movies for the slicing of(f) heads. Not to see teens wrestling with their hormones. we have a movie series for that already. Its name eludes me....

Skyline (2010)

Why does this gets so much hate? Its quite entertaining

I've seen this movie twice now. It didn't bore me the first time, it didn't bore me the 2nd time. Why does this flick catch so much hate?

probably because of the stupidity of the characters, the weak story, weird script and shoddy acting.

But... this is an aliens-invade-earth-omg-start-running-in-all- directions-to-escape movie. Who cares about the story? If anything, the movie is quite entertaining. the aliens are quite awesome. unique take on their 'powers' as well. the action is spectacular AND very watchable. not the bloody shaky cam or dark crap some other movies in this genre have. I liked it. the CG is very well done. for Independence Day on a budget (Which Skyline is) its damn well done.

I thought it was fun to watch. It has quite some flaws but a 4/10 is undeserved imho. there are A class titles that bore you to tears and get better ratings than this. this flick is fun to watch if you don't think about logic stuff too much. this kind of movie is made to entertain at a low intellectual level. it does just that. and quite well, I must say.

Rurôni Kenshin: Meiji kenkaku romantan (2012)

It takes some liberties from the manga, but it's darn good still

Lets get this out of the way: Im no kenshin fanboy. I've read the manga and have watched the anime. That's it. So when I heard about a live action movie I thought 'Oh my god'. Uwe Boll-like crap induced horror scenarios crossed my mind. But what a pleasant surprise. They haven't cocked it up. In fact, they did a pretty damn good job of making the manga come to life.

STORY

The story is basically the first 2 arcs of the manga mixed up and slightly changed to fit into a 2 hour movie. It's pretty good. nothing too fancy but it works and doesn't bore.

EFFECTS & CHOREOGRAPHY

No. Bleeding. CG. Like, none. everything you see is done by real humans. thank god there are still directors who know their stuff. a rope helps here and there but nothing as stupid as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. there was but 1 instant in the entire movie where a move looked slightly 'unnatural'. You'll know what I mean when ya see it.

the fights are simply awesome. real swordfights and at speeds that make your eyes go 0_o. slick moves, smooth as silk with a great pace. and the occasional brawling, courtesy of Sanosuke. the action is top notch. some of the best, if not -the- best sword fight scenes I've ever seen.

ACTING

The characters are all portrayed as they should be. there is no crappy acting. Kanryu is slightly over-acting but I guess it kinda fits his character anyway. solid acting all over. some dayplayers in the background seem to have been given little instructions of what to do at times though, it seems. they sometimes look rather lost or keep repeating the same motions. but no matter. you wont notice unless you re nitpicking.

OVERALL

The entire movie has a slightly 'cartoonish' feel over it. the way people talk, the way they move. but it still all seems very natural and appealing. The music is very nice as well. no tunes from the anime, but some nice original scores that fit the bill.

all in all this movie is what so many game/anime-turned-movies should have been. It's well made, with good actors, good music and it doesn't bore you for a second. Word has it there will be a sequel. if it can rival the quality of this movie, Ill be back for part 2.

The Expendables 2 (2012)

Memories... good ones!

Yes, I gave it 9 out of 10. I normally don't do that. Why did I give it 9 out of 10? Not out of sentiment. I gave it 9 / 10 because Expendables 2 is simply hilarious and entertaining from start to finish.

STORY

well, the trailer pretty much covers the entire story when Stallone says: 'find em, track em, kill em'. Yes, no Oscar work here. but who cares? The bad guys have stuff that the good guys don't want them to have. Both sides have craploads of weaponry. You can see where this is going.

CHARACTERS

Basically, everyone plays a version of themselves from a 90-ies action flick. In essence, we have Rambo, Crank, John mcClane, the terminator, Walker Texas Ranger, He-Man and assorted dudes in 1 film. JcvD gets to play the bad guy. And does so quite well. don't expect any superb acting or character development though.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

lots and LOTS of explosions. That about covers it. Oh, and 1 crappy CGI helicopter getting shot down by an unmanned CGI motorcycle. Yes, you read that right. this -is- the Expendables, after all.

THE GOOD STUFF

So why is this movie so much fun to watch? you have to go see this movie if you re from the Delta Force / Rambo / terminator Die Hard generation. Seriously. the movie contains tons of jokes and references to those old action movies. Thats 1 strong point.

2nd strong point: this movie does not take itself seriously, nor do the actors. and thats why there's so much magic in the air. You can see the energy beaming off all the old skoolers doing their thing. Some 1 liners are so hilarious you actually choke. Best one goes to (who else but) Chuck Norris shortly after he is introduced.

3rd strong point: the most obvious one. the participating actors. so much win in 1 film. the magic. it's simply so much fun to see all the old schoolers going at it in the same movie.

4th strong point. the plot twists.

No, not really. Seriously, no.

TL: DR;

Expendables 2 is VERY entertaining. It delivers more than its prequel, and then some. Willis and schwarzenegger get bigger roles. even Norris has a lengthy cameo. there's over the top action, 1 liners, winks and references to old movies. I've no idea how long it was but time flew by and after the 275289456359th explosion it was already over and left me wanting for more.

A must see if you want to have some old school fun, no strings attached.

do leave your brain at the door and don't be a critic. Do so and you'll have a blast.

Alien vs. Ninja (2010)

What is this I don't even....

This movie has a bizarre plot. Like, wow. Still, it's kinda good fun to watch actually. See underneath.

-story-

An alien lands in a forest (in what we are supposed to believe is feudal Japan. Yeah, right) and is found by a bunch of ninjas. You can pretty much fill in the rest yourself.

-acting-

Well, Id say 2 clicks above Power Ranger level. It's not really annoyingly bad but average at best. Some typical Japanese characters just annoy the hell out of you. But alas, that's normal with Japanense movies. Somehow.

-special effects-

Um, yeah. Where to start. the gory bits are actually quite well done. I was pleasantly surprised to see people get torn in half in a rather good looking fashion. some other bits are quite poor CGI. And the alien suit is too obvious a suit in some scenes. but overall, again, 2 clicks above Power Ranger level.

-Fights-

The most important bit. let's be honest. No one will watch this hoping to see shocking plot twists or major character development. The fights are actually kinda good. especially the ninja vs ninja bits are well done. smooth and slick, actually. The alien vs ninja bits are, eh, slightly less slick. But they're humorous. In a good way. This movie doesn't try to take itself seriously and the fight scenes reflect this.

-Lolz?-

Yes, lolz. Couple of things though.

• don't watch this hoping to see an epic ninja movie - don't watch this hoping to see a scary monster / horror movie - don't watch this when you re not in a light mood and up for lulz - don't watch this and try and take it seriously. The movie doesn't take itself seriously, neither should its audience. - don't watch this and be an analysing critic. it will ruin your fun.

This movie is low level popcorn entertainment. It's not long at 90 minutes. But its a good laugh all the way through. With the right mindset ('this is gonna be bloody awful but hilarious none the less') this movie -will- entertain you.

I started watching this thinking 'what am I getting myself into'. As it went on I was actually having a good time. Very lulzy to watch if taken with a proper dose of cba-ness regarding anything that makes a movie quality stuff.

The Avengers (2012)

I never thought this would work out... and then it did.

I went to this movie going 'oh my god, Michael Bay meets Spderman vs X Men or something. I didn't really had high hopes for it. But I figured 'what the hell' and went to see it anyway.

Just came back from the cinema. And I must say I haven't been this entertained in a long time watching a movie. The Avengers is really a -lot- of fun to watch.

first off, the scenario. Sure, the story is a bit shaky, a few plot holes here and there. But nothing that makes you go 'wtf is this nonsense?'. For a story that covers such a weird, unrealistic theme, it's pretty believable actually.

The characters. This is where The Avengers shines. Throw a bunch of (some less) well known superheroes in 1 movie, throw in a semi-slapstick villain and let rip. all the characters are good. Stark, Thor and Hulk provide the lulz. Even Loki allows for a few laughs. I've never heard of Black Widow or Hawkeye but they fit in just fine and carried the story along.

the action. Michael bay, take note. This is how you let stuff blow up and get demolished -without- giving the audience seizures. the action is fast paced, well times and the screenplay at times is just brilliant. hats off.

the humor. the backbone of this film. very witty lines, good slapstick jokes from time to time. some hilarious (punch)lines that really make you laugh. It's not just Iron Man and his snide remarks this time. Almost everyone chips in. this movie doesn't take itself very serious at times. And that's a very good thing.

If you're a superhero fan, go see this. you simply cannot be disappointed I think. I myself am no superhero fan but I was entertained for the whole 2.5 hours the film went on, not 1 moment bored.

What a laugh.

Immortals (2011)

Not worth almost 2 hours.

I'll be brief. I thought this would be like 300. Popcorn entertainment with a weak story and some proper over-acting. Maybe even some CGI sixpacks. I was wrong. Apart from the weak story.

Immortals is a movie that tries to be 300 but fails hard. The scenario and story are weak. Just... poor. As I watched it I had the feeling there was no actual script. Stuff just... happened in a quite random fashion. The whole thing seemed so chaotic.

The acting was meh. special effect were cool. But almost every movie these days has cool CG. Has it no redeeming qualities? Action, hot babes. anything? No, not really. The action scenes are quite dull and standard. The babes aren't very hot (except those in the bull, hahahaha. Funny joke, yes?) and this movie has quite literally nothing going for it. Nothing that grabs you and makes you want to watch it.

Overall, 1 hour 50 minutes wasted. I was bored after 30 minutes. I finished the whole thing because I hoped it would improve. But it didn't. If anything, the quality kept dropping as it went on. And it wasn't very high to start with.

Waste of 2 hours of your time, to be blunt.

Mortal Kombat: Conquest (1998)

It's kinda crappy, but tons of fun

Let me start by saying I'm not a MK fanboy. years ago I saw the first MK movie and I found it highly entertaining. Then I learned of the existence of Conquest and I went to have a look see.

The first thing you notice is that it'll all kinda... shoddy. It's made on a budget apparently. Either that or some producer now has a marble patio. No matter. Conquest looks and feels kinda crappy but boy is it entertaining.

It starts out slow. I was scratching my head when I saw the cardboard Outworld arena and the choppy acting. I told myself I'd give it 3 episodes to prove itself. Imagine my surprise when in episode 2 one of the nicer characters pops in.

Then as it went on, it got better and better. The acting improved, oneliners became quite epic, scenarios became better and before I knew it I was kinda hooked. The story actually sucked me in.

Conquest is one of those series that is made by people with a lot of passion and little money. But it doesn't matter. it's very entertaining to watch and it only gets better and better as the show goes on. The fight scenes are sometimes a bit crummy but some of them are downright cool. Especially everyone's favorite ninja cousins put up 1 hell of a show(I'm looking at you, Rain) The special effects are sub par but let's be honest: it's about the hands and feet anyway. Not the fireballs.

So yes, It's definitely very good fun to watch. Grab some beer and popcorn. Lean back, chuckle at the few forgivable flaws and have fun.

Series 2 got cancelled. Damn. I'd have loved to see another season of this budget-fun.